Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Friday, February 29, 2008

February 29: Leaping to Conclusions

“Nothing astonishes men so much as common sense and plain dealing”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s Leap Day of a Leap Year. That means it’s time to “Leap” to a few new conclusions. Wait! This blog isn’t about that; it’s about exploding misconceptions. Almost lost my head there (must be that extra day this month).

10 Things He Does When You’re Not Around (You’ll Be Shocked!)

Honestly, that’s an actual magazine article I just saw in the checkout line. A friend sent me several of those top 10 lists from popular magazines “10 Things You Should Never Do in Front of a Woman,” “10 Things Never to Say to a Man,” etc.

Seriously, does anyone really need to be told not to:

· Belch loudly during dinner?
· Talk incessantly about your ex?

Have we become that dumb, people?

I don’t think so.

Magazines are always asking me to synthesize complex issues down to bite-size nuggets for their top 10 lists. And why do they insist on peddling this kind of mindless kibble to readers? Because all of us, no matter how intelligent, can’t resist the notion that there are simple answers to complex problems. So if a magazine publishes a list, we’re drawn to it like moths to a flame:

· Maybe this time, I’ll figure out how to make that guy down the hall notice me.
· Maybe there’ll be something I can use to impress her with my wit.

Aren’t all of us secretly hoping for that magic inside scoop that will allow us to pull everything together and turn us into that magnetic object of total desire to our potential one-and-only?

Speaking of misconceptions: Are all blondes (female and male) bubble heads? Or do blondes really have more fun? Why do guys seem to think redheads are so “fiery”—and what does that even mean?

Does this Vibrator Make Me Look Fat?

That doesn’t mean anything; I just liked the sound of it, so I threw it in.

I’ve been out of touch for awhile, due to some family health problems. Rest assured, next week, I’ll be back and rarin’ to go.

You can always find me here at Dr. J’s Fantasy Camp for the Hopelessly Overeducated.

And thank goodness for magazines, otherwise we’d all forget:

· Never refer to your mother as your best friend.
· Never tell someone you’re going to kiss them just before you actually do.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

V-Day: Erotic Love Letters Straight from Your Heart

"The pen is mightier than the sword and considerably easier to write with."
Marty Feldman, British comedian

The Maestro is down with the flu, and the Doc is doing nurse duty. So today we welcome guest columnist and resident romantic, #9.

Attention all eCupids! Why not try a nice, old-fashioned love letter for your special someone this Valentine's Day? And while you're busily arranging to have an army of e-elves deliver all those emails, ecards, eflowers and echocolates, take a moment to think of that electronic "e" as shorthand for "erotic."

Hit Me with Your Best Shot

If you’ve been trying to think up safe, non-threatening ways to bring up a discussion about fantasies, what could be better than sending your special someone an email of the erotic variety? Who doesn't like to read a little erotica, especially when they're the story's object of desire (oh my)? What about sending your lover an erotic e-gift certificate? Promise some special favor and/or position upon request. Valentine's Day is the absolute best time to put your money where your mouth is—in more ways than one (and wouldn’t this be a great time to try out some tasty flavored lube?).

Toys for Good Boys and Girls

And just because your ecard is in writing, doesn't mean you should forget about lingerie and toys. If you’re yearning for an evening (or even an afternoon or morning) of delight, then dress for the occasion! If you're the present, wrap yourself appropriately. Remember that unwrapping a present is half the fun!

Give Till It Hurts

Maybe treating your eletter like a present isn't exactly what you have in mind. Perhaps what you need is to be punished for some real or imagined mistake, misstep or slight that you have to get off your chest and apologize for? (“I'm sorry I forgot to write down your phone message,” etc. Remember this is supposed to be a fantasy—that means it doesn't have to be something you actually did). Keep in mind that fantasies come in all shapes and sizes, and one person's spanking is another person's purest pleasure. (Please may I have another?)

Sweets for the Sweet

Did someone mention chocolate? The only thing more fun than putting it on is licking it off…Oh the trouble we can get into there!


Thanks to #9 and have a seriously sensuous V-Day. See y’all next week.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Talkin’ the Talk, Part II

“I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up”
Tom Lehrer

In which we further explore the whys and hows of talkin’ sex…

You: “What do you want to do tonight?”
LYL (Light of Your Life): “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

If you and your partner were to actually talk about sex, is that what it would sound like? Be honest. Sometimes we just don’t know what it is we want, and if we don’t know what we want, we obviously don’t know how to ask for it either. Often the reason we don’t know what it is we want is because we haven’t taken the time to reflect on it from within our own internal perspective, rather than borrowing it from what someone else has told us or from something we’ve seen on TV or in a movie or magazine.

You’re Just Jealous Because the Voices Only Talk to Me!

If we were to think about where we get our messages, we’d realize they generally seem to come from commercial sources. You know, the ones specifically designed to sell us something—or some image. Therefore, if your desires tend to be conditioned by commercial sources (TV, films, magazines, etc.), so that if what you think you want is a petite blonde and you actually end up with a 6-foot tall brunette—well you’re going to experience an internal dilemma! How can you possibly be happy with your tall brunette when everything in the commercial media seems to be saying you’re supposed to want the opposite?

And have you ever stopped to think about just what kind of touch and caress turns you on? Do you even know? Are you realizing that your early experiences were characterized by you just being grateful you were being touched at all, much less being touched in a way you’d enjoy even more?

Let’s Put on a Show in the Barn!

So your first step is to figure out just what it is that you want—or at least what you think you might like to try. Your next step might be to discuss it with your partner—but be sure to do it in a casual, non-confrontational way. Do you bring it up from out of the blue, or do you mention it conversationally as a tie-in to something you’ve heard or read? Before you get too stressed out, the Doc is here to suggest how it might go:

You: “I’ve seen lots of references lately to couples playing out their fantasies with each other. Remember that movie we saw last week, where the couple told each other a fantasy and then they tried it? That was pretty hot.”

LYL: “Hmm. Yeah I remember. It was kind of weird, wasn’t it?” (OK, if the LYL isn’t completely comfortable with the idea, pay attention to the fact that s/he hasn’t run screaming from the room, and realize this might be something you can use as your next opening gambit.)

You: “Maybe. But maybe it just seemed weird because we’ve never tried anything like it. I’m just saying it might be fun to try.”

LYL: “I don’t know…What if I say something and you laugh?” (still a little wary about being judged)

You: “I would never laugh. Not even if you want to be a shepherd and want me to be a sheep!” (humor always helps)

LYL: (laughing) Really? Are you sure? Well I guess we could try it one time at least. It might even be fun trying something new.


See how easy that was? Now you try it—and get back to me. Tell, tell, tell! We all want to know how well it works out for you.

Welcome aboard. Find a comfortable seat, ‘cause we’re always open for business here on the Bus to Nirvana.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Friday, February 01, 2008

Talkin’ the Talk

“Let us make a special effort to stop communicating with each other, so we can have some conversation”
Judith Martin (Miss Manners)

It’s tempting to engage in an orgy of self-improvement projects at the beginning of the New Year. That’s why many of us turn to magazines with articles like, “Tell Him Your Every Desire” and “Are You the Strong, Silent Type?” which encourage us to work on communicating better in our relationships. We discussed this last year, and it was such a compelling topic that it bears a re-examination.

Close that Bathroom Door!

First off, it’s very important to resist that urge to become so cloyingly close to each other that there’s no longer any “you”—there’s only “you two.” This just in: if you must tell each other absolutely everything about yourself and you share every intimate detail you can conjure up, then after a few months, guess what you’re left with? A roommate. Sure, a fun person, fabulous to share with, but…sexy? Which sounds sexier to you: Mystery or Familiarity? Remember, too much closeness can eventually lead to frumpy flannel pajamas, bunny slippers, sharing the bathroom—and worse, all of that together at the same time! Oh the horror! Remember that for most of us, familiarity is the enemy of eroticism, so leave a little in the tank and resist the urge to share your entire life.

Women are particularly vulnerable to this temptation because we’re socialized to be emotional caretakers (read: endless processing and sharing). Of course the flip side of this is the male social role (“I don’t wanna talk about it”) in which feelings are consciously or unconsciously suppressed and avoided at all costs.

Go to Your Room!

And guess what? Caring about someone is still no guarantee that you’ll have effective communication. Why? Because our parents provided most of us with our earliest models for how to communicate. And how did our parents resolve conflicts or disagreements? Did you ever see or hear them employ the artful skills of reasoned negotiation? Exactly! For that reason most of us just didn’t have any role models for our own conflict resolution because our parents tended to hide this from us (and probably still do) out of a misguided attempt to “protect” us. Or—just as scary—we heard them yelling from behind their bedroom door; and, being kids, we imagined the worst (and we all know that kids have very active and vivid imaginations when it comes to imagining the worst).

A Little to the Left and Higher

If everyday communication is difficult, imagine how much harder sexual communication is for most of us. Why? Because we had no one to teach us that, either (“Now Heather, here’s how you tell your partner where you like to be touched”). And how about a sexual vocabulary? (“I, ummm, want, ummm…”). As if! Put these together, and what do we get? Most of us feel extremely vulnerable about sex (“I’ll just be devastated if s/he doesn’t like the way I kiss”). And it certainly hasn’t helped that most of us grew up in cultures that teach us that sex is an inappropriate topic to discuss or even think about. Remember being told “thinking is the same as doing”?

Fairy Tale Endings Anyone?

So into this nightmare of inadequacy and discomfort we stumble, hoping against hope for that magical person who just knows what we like and how to drive us wild with pleasure.

Let’s do some rehearsing, shall we? Beginning next week, we’ll look at some examples of how we might talk with a partner about a sexual issue, feeling or desire.

Comments or questions? I see that the pilot has now turned on the over-sharing sign, but lucky you, I’m open for business.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J