Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Happy Blogiversary II!

“Instead of giving money to found colleges to promote learning, why don't they pass a constitutional amendment prohibiting anybody from learning anything? If it works as good as the Prohibition one did, why, in five years we would have the smartest race of people on earth.”
Rita Mae Brown
(American Author)

That’s right! It’s our second anniversary. I first began posting entries to this blog in August 2006. Let’s mark this auspicious occasion by doing what most people do on significant anniversaries: reflect back and look to the future.


This is where you come in: Take a look at our blog’s original objectives as I set them out in August ’06 (I’ve thoughtfully included them below – I’m all about the thoughtful):
What’s this blog all about? Information so that you can develop your own sexuality based on facts, not myths. Everyone has concerns about sex, because we all grew up with judgments and misinformation. Each week, we’ll will cover some aspect of human sexuality. My intent is to demystify and inform. Oh, and did I mention we’ll have lots of fun? Because that’s what sex is: fun!

Cooking blogs are full of recipes for delicious food. This sex blog will give you recipes for delicious sex . That’s my wish for you: yummy sex.

So that was our starting point. One of my objectives was simply to spread joy and pleasure throughout the ethernet. We're working on it. In fact, we're now linked to many sites, including MedHelp.org., where you can now ask me questions via two expert sexuality forums:




And what about the future? What topics would you like us to explore together? I’ll start. Here are just a few of the topics I’ve received so far from you and your fellow readers:

· Shaving shapes in interesting places, piercings, etc.
· My first experience with another person, also my first experience with a really significant other person.
· More about what men and women can learn from each other? (Don’t get me started! Or by all means do. . .)
· Exploring fetishes: leather, shoes, erotic clothing and. . .
· Role-playing and making your sexual fantasies come true with a partner
· Threesomes

But let’s not stop with just these. There are so many topics we can discuss, and I’ve got a feeling we’re only scratching the surface (mmmmm, scratch a little harder, ooooh, down and to the left).


For fans of Rocky Horror Picture Show, these words will be very familiar. To the rest of you: before all those oh-so-helpful TV “therapists,” there was Dr. Frank-N-Furter:

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure,
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares beyond any measure,
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever
Can't you just see it?
Don't dream it — Be it!

Seriously – jump into the deep end of the pool and tell me what exciting areas you’d like to plumb :) via the comment button below or by email: drjanice@aol.com. In the meantime, happy blogiversary everybody. See you next week. Be there or be square!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It Aint Over Til It’s Over

“Sex with love is the greatest thing in life.
But sex without love -- that’s not so bad either.”

Mae West

For those of you playing along at home, we’ve been discussing our socio-sexual response—more simply put, that means how we each respond socially, emotionally—and let’s most certainly not forget physically—to the things that we each in our own individual way respond to as sexual stimuli. We’ve discussed the process of decision-making (“What are my options? Do I really WANT to dress up in a bunny suit for this guy?”) and negotiation (“Let’s do 68. You go down on me, and I’ll owe you one”).

So, What’s Next?

The final part of the process comes into the picture AFTER you’ve been sexual—and that can mean either being sexual with yourself or with someone else (for instance, that faboo new person you met at the laundromat). In the “sex for one” scenario, your choices may be fairly easy (tomorrow, same time?), but sex with a new person—that can be waaay problematic.

Suppose she starts getting all clingy and lovey-dovey? Perhaps, Goddess forbid, she says she wants to cook dinner for you? What does THAT mean? Or worse, suppose he just ASSUMES that he’ll be spending the night? Damn!

At The Tone, the Time Will Be

Alternatively, what if he just gets up, puts on his clothes and says: “See ya.” Will you be devastated? And just how many of your girlfriends can you call for support at 2 in the morning?

Sound familiar? This is probably where most of us seem to get stuck. Nobody taught us what our options are when it comes to what we can do or say, and most of us wind up making lots of really dumb assumptions about what’s going to happen AFTER we’re sexual with someone. Of course, lots of women are raised with that hackneyed old script that says sex equals love equals forever, etc., which is precisely why so many men actually DO just throw on their clothes while running for the door. And looking at it from the other side, many men ARE socialized to seek out sex without any of those icky inconvenient feelings like affection.

The East German Judge Gives It a 5.5

No one can predict what will happen after you have sex. The important thing is not to have any heavy expectations; and when it comes to the dismount, go for a clean and caring ending. But what does that mean, Dr. J? It involves acknowledging that you had fun and being OK with leaving it at that. This allows both of you to reflect on the experience at your own leisure and decide whether you want to follow up with more of the same—or not. Believe it or not, a simple: “That was great. Enjoy the rest of your evening” or “I really enjoyed that. Let’s do it again sometime” will be more than enough.

Or if you REALLY want to be brave, take care of this BEFORE you actually have sex with someone new. “Let’s have sex, just for fun—no expectations of a relationship, OK?” Imagine how saying something like that could relieve all that unnecessary pressure!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Go back and re-read the last few posts and see if you can identify the various elements of the Socio-Sexual Response Cycle. Maybe you can already see where you can use some more practice. If it helps, you can always role play in front of a mirror. That’s a good way to get over any discomfort you may feel about what you’d like to say to a potential partner. Go ahead, say it over and over to that very friendly, non-threatening mirror: “Let’s have sex just for fun. Nothing else.”

Whither next? Tune in next week to find out.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J
P.S. Dr. J is now the sex expert on medhelp.org, where I’m answering questions about sex, relationships, erection concerns and all those other fun topics! Check in and check me out, just for fun–no expectations of a relationship, OK?:


Friday, August 01, 2008

Getting to Feel Free and Easy

“If sex and creativity are often seen by dictators as subversive activities,
it’s because they lead to the knowledge that you own your own body
(and with it your own voice),
and that’s the most revolutionary insight of all.”

Erica Jong

Getting to Know You

For the past few weeks we’ve been examining how we function in the “Socio-Sexual Response Cycle” or SSRC. Simply put, this is how we respond socially to sexual stimuli; or how we manage our individual sexuality. For example: how do you make the decisions that become your sexual choices, how do you negotiate them (if you actually DO negotiate them), and more importantly—how do you handle what happens in that all-important post-orgasmic aftermath?

So far, we’ve been discussing the first two steps: Desire and Consideration of Options. Have you already discovered which step you find more challenging and which is easier for you? Perhaps you function well in both and can easily recognize your desire and look at your possibilities. Or perhaps you’re uncomfortable expressing those longings and so do your best to suppress them. Or maybe you can recognize your own longing, but you just don’t feel comfortable identifying your options. Give it a shot. Once you can begin to identify which phases of the SSRC are problematic for you, you’re actually on the path to finding creative solutions.

Getting to Know All About You

Now that you’ve considered your options and know what you want, it’s time for the next step in the SSRC: Negotiation/Agreement. You see, not only do you have to ASK for what you want, you also have to negotiate with either yourself or someone else and reach an agreement about what you’re going to do. Does this sound intimidating? Many of us find it so scary that we just don’t bother going there. Interestingly, many long-term couples never actually communicate about what it is they’d like to do sexually. Instead, they develop a system of signals that lets the other know they’re receptive to having sex. How does this non-verbal signaling work? Perhaps he lights scented candles in the bedroom, to indicate that he’s feeling “romantic.” Maybe she wears that special slinky camisole at bedtime.

Unfortunately for many, that means they do the same thing, the same way, over and over until one or both checks out emotionally and/or physically because they’re bored. No one ever discusses changing their routine or trying something new; so, of course, if you don’t talk about it, it becomes more and more intimidating to even consider discussing.

When I Am Near You

Interestingly, the HIV pandemic has contributed not only to an increase in sexual health awareness, but also to an increase in sexual communication. For people playing with new or multiple partners, it’s now critical that risk reduction be discussed. Even those who could never bring themselves to discuss sex before, now find that at the very least they have to agree on using a condom. That means they actually have to talk about something sexual, and this actually opens the door to talking about what activities they’ll engage in as well.

Suddenly I’m Bright and Breezy

Let’s look at a typical encounter where negotiation and agreement might happen:

You’re at a wine tasting, and you’re introduced to an intelligent, funny, attractive person. Before you know it, you’ve spent the entire party talking together, and now you know you want to take it further. So what do you do? Do you just drift along and hope the other person gets your signals? That could take all night, and by that time, you might find yourself alone again with your vibrator!

So you need to speak up. “What now?” you might say. “I’d really like to spend more time with you.” If the response is positive and the two of you somehow magically find yourselves back at the apartment in front of a lovely fire, it’s time to go for it. And here’s where negotiation can be sexy. In fact, if you think of it as part of sex play, it can be a real turn-on.

Because of All the Wonderful and New Things I’m Learning About You

“What do you like to do?
I love kissing.
Me too.
Deep kisses, like this?
Oh yes.
And what about having your ear nibbled?
Does that feel good?
I love being touched all over.
And I can’t wait to touch you all over.
Your skin feels great on mine.
Shall we get undressed, or would you like to undress me?"

Oops. Drifted off there for a moment. You should see me when I role play this kind of scenario with one of my graduate students! The temperature in the room goes up 20 degrees, and I find myself having to yell real loud to pull everyone back into the present.

Putting It My Way, But Nicely

So you get the picture: with each step along the way, you can check in and find out if what you want coincides with the other person’s desires. And vice versa. It’s much less intimidating once you’re comfortable including this negotiation/agreement into your actual sexual pattern. Once you start using it, you won’t even notice it—it will become part and parcel of your sexuality. And if you’re already in a long-term relationship that’s fallen into that kind of a rut, try adding this kind of communication, just a little bit at a time at first, and watch what happens. I guarantee you, sparks will fly.

You Are Precisely My Cup of Tea

Now I’m sending you off to practice, practice, practice. Homework is so hard, isn’t it?

Next week, we’ll wrap this up with a discussion of the last phase: What’s Next? (the aftermath)

With Pleasure,

Dr. J