Dr. J’s Top 10 for Men: Do It Yourself Sex: If It Feels this Good, Why Do They Say It's So Bad?

“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright
to free his hands for masturbation.”
Lily Tomlin

Happy summer to you all (at least those of you in the Northern Hemisphere). A few weeks ago, we began looking at an assortment of concerns drawn from actual questions I’ve received from real readers just like you. Keep in mind that this particular Top 10 list represents the most common sexual concerns expressed by men. This little project has been met with much enthusiasm, so I’m pleased to offer this latest installment. How does this work? After each and every question, you’ll find my answer. Oh—and really astute readers (that’s right, I mean you) will doubtless remember that at the end of this last year, we surveyed the top 10 women’s concerns. Guys, it’s your turn to shine, so read on.

Here are two composites of the hundreds of letters I’ve received about self-pleasuring. They represent two very common misconceptions.

“I've been hearing people say that watching too much porn can cause erection issues. Is that true? I remember masturbating to porno magazines and never had an issue with getting hard. Recently, I had sex with a woman for the first time in a few months and couldn’t get hard. I know there’s nothing wrong with me physically. I’m only 22 years old. Can you help me with a solution please!!!”

Dr. J’s Response

OK. Take a deep breath and relax. What you’ve been hearing is a myth. Looking at erotica doesn’t affect your ability to respond to a person. However, there may be other reasons why you weren’t comfortable enough to get erect with a new partner.

It also sounds to me like you’re under the impression that masturbation, or self-pleasuring, is somehow harmful. Again, this is a myth.

Let’s look at some possibilities. Many of us are shy and/or nervous around a new partner, and this can definitely have an effect on erection.

And perhaps you really weren’t that interested, but felt you SHOULD be. Maybe this person didn’t really turn you on. It may be helpful for you to take an inventory of characteristics that you find attractive or interesting. Are you seeing anyone who has any of those qualities, or are you feeling like you SHOULD be turned on regardless? After all, you’re not going to get pizza by hanging out at a steak restaurant.

And, of course, many other factors can influence desire. You might also examine what else has been happening in your life that may have affected you. Are you content with yourself, with your life, with your relationships? Are there any family or work crises? And how’s your physical health? There are numerous medical conditions that can also contribute to lack of desire.

Are you anxious around potential sex partners? Be aware that anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If you’re feeling anxious or unsure of yourself, your desire for sex will be affected. Or you may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in your life. Or you may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons you may have for avoiding sex with others?

There could be other reasons you’re not turned on: Men receive so many messages that sex is about “performance” and pleasing a partner, rather than just enjoying the pleasure of it. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or evil.

So, to recap: you may have negative attitudes about sex in general, or you may have performance issues or be bored or frustrated. Think about the issues I’ve raised and see if any are true for you. Remember not to put pressure on yourself.
I’m wondering what YOU think is contributing to this and whether you’ve taken any actions to try to change it. You’ve probably got more insight than you realize.

“Out of the blue, I get erections and can’t get them to stop unless I burn myself on my wrist with a lighter. What is the explanation for this problem? This happens even when I’m not looking at anything or when I wake up in the morning. And it always makes me masturbate, even though I try to avoid doing that. Please help me!”

Dr. J’s Response

Please, please stop hurting yourself! There is absolutely nothing wrong with you. Your body is responding how it’s MEANT to respond. Let me explain.

All healthy men have erections daily during both waking and sleeping hours. These are automatic responses of your body, just the same as breathing and blinking. Why are you so afraid of them? Erections are GOOD. They mean you’re alive and healthy.

And why are you trying to avoid self-pleasuring (masturbation)? Many people feel insecure about self-pleasuring because they don’t have adequate information. We all want to know that what WE do is OK. From your note, it looks like you feel that it’s somehow harmful or wrong. There are no data to indicate that self-pleasuring is in any way harmful.

I’m here to tell you that whatever works for you is what works for you, and please stop worrying and enjoy your life. The fact that you’re trying to stop self-pleasuring and are finding it difficult should tell you that it’s part of who you are. Accept it as a wonderful gift that keeps on giving.

Here are some facts about self-pleasuring:

It’s the surest way to orgasm and the most effective way to learn about our sexual response cycle, as well as the surest way men to learn orgasmic control. If you feel you come too quickly, the surest way to slow down is to teach yourself a new pattern via self-pleasuring.

Another advantage is self-knowledge: How can you show a partner what you like if you don’t know yourself?

And the #1 reason for self-pleasuring: it’s fun!

Self-pleasuring is a part of who you are sexually—for your whole life, not just when you don’t have a partner. People self-pleasure from birth to death, when they’re alone and when they’re partnered. It’s just one of many options we have as sexual beings. It’s not better or worse than partner sex, just different—like steak is different than chicken.

Remember that all our scientific data show that the people who take responsibility for their OWN pleasure have the best sex lives and rate themselves as happiest about their sexuality. So please stop torturing yourself, accept your sexuality as a gift and start enjoying life.

Well, there you have it—the whole, sad story. In spite of all the accurate information available these days, some men STILL believe that touching themselves is wrong, or that touching themselves “too much” (as though there were an optimum frequency) is harmful. Sigh.

Tune in next time, my darlings, to see what our next Top 10 for Men is all about. In the meantime, pour yourself something yummy, go outside and smell those flowers!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Make Love, Not War

“The first duty of a leader is to make himself be loved without courting love. To be loved without ‘playing up’ to anyone - even to himself”
Andre Malraux, French philosopher

I confess: I took a little break, did a little skiing, spent a lot of money–doing my part to help stimulate the economy. Whenever I’m faced with adversity, I make the usual plans to help turn things around, but I also make a point NOT to forget doing things for pleasure. It helps get me through the bad times and strengthens me for what lies ahead.

And speaking of bad times: Like many of you, Doctor J has lost a major source of her income. I’m faced with re-inventing myself, and getting creative about ways to pay the rent, live life and most importantly feed the cats in the manner to which they have become accustomed. If not for The Maestro, whose generosity knows no bounds, I'd really be in deep doo-doo.

Nevertheless, at this moment I’m feeling curiously optimistic. Why? Perhaps it’s because of our new President and his incredible partner. Have you noticed how well they work together and how connected—both physically and emotionally—they are to each other? This is my area of expertise, and I can tell you this is not an act, folks; it’s pure attraction. They positively glow in each others’ presence. Call me Dr. Dreamer, but I get the sense that these are two people who can’t get enough of each other.

And it’s also clear to me that they’re both very physical, sensuous people, very aware of and proud of their own bodies.

How does this observation contribute to my feeling curiously optimistic? I can’t help but feel that someone who’s so grounded in his own body is someone who would be loath to do any kind of harm to others. In fact, there are some valid studies to support this feeling. Several years ago, a government survey examined most of the world’s nations and measured their rates of involvement in conflicts (wars), contrasted with the status of women in these societies and attitudes about sexuality. Guess what the researchers found (drum roll please)? Of the societies where women had the highest status and in which attitudes about sexuality were the most open, those countries were also involved in the fewest conflicts. And of the nations found to be the most “warlike,” those tended to be societies in which women had few rights and sexuality was repressed.

So there you have it: According to the scientists, sex + women’s rights = peace. Now that’s a study I can live with!

Remember, when you think peace, think women’s rights and sex. On that note, let me wish peace to each and every one of you.

Next week, as promised, we’ll be back with more of our hands-on Top 10 for Men: Do It Yourself Sex: If It Feels this Good, Why Do They Say It's So Bad?
With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Dr. J’s Top 10 for Men: Bigger Isn’t Always Better

“It’s 10 Inches Long, Hard As a Rock and Can Go All Night”
Bernie Zilbergeld, Ph.D., The New Male Sexuality

Alas, I’ve been a neglectful Dr. J, but I’m back, dear readers and ready to have some fun with a list of questions I like to call the Top 10 Men’s Concerns. You read that right: for the next few weeks, we’ll be looking at an assortment of concerns drawn from actual questions I’ve received from real readers just like you. Keep in mind that this particular Top 10 list represents the most common sexual concerns expressed by men. Now, I want you all to know that the only reason I’m doing this is because you’ve been such very good readers and hardly ever misbehaved (well, except for that one time, at band camp); so after each and every question, you’ll find my answer. Oh—and really astute readers (that’s right, I mean you) will doubtless remember that at the end of this last year, we surveyed the top 10 women’s concerns. Guys, it’s your turn to shine, so read on.

What Is this Thing? Why Am I So Fascinated with It, and How Can I Make It Bigger, Better, Smarter and Straighter?

Judging from my own mail, almost every man out there seems to be convinced his penis is too small, too quick on the trigger, too “bendy” and/or just plain wrong. Sigh. Don’t you realize it’s all a big set-up, guys? Everything in our culture screams bigger is better: bigger wallets, bigger cars, bigger houses—you get the picture (not to mention the bigger HDTV picture). With all that societal input, it’s no wonder that most guys worry that their penises are somehow inadequate, so they look for a few easy answers to give them that Holy Grail of a perfect penis.
And, of course, there are hundreds of businesses out there just itching to sell them that panacea. Here’s a composite of these letters:

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I’m 24 years old and my penis size is 5 inches. It’s also not straight when erect. I feel as if there is a lot to look out for when looking for these "natural male enhancement" supplements and such. Anything I should know? Any brand names you’d recommend? My biggest concern is side effects. Please help.

***
Dr J’s response:

Sounds like you’ve bought into the myth that you have to have a larger-than-life penis in order to have great sex. In fact, nothing could be further from the truth.

Our society does a terrible disservice to men by raising them to think that their penis has to be 10 inches long, hard as a rock and last all night. It’s no wonder that many men feel insecure about their penis. Locker room etiquette dictates no staring, so most straight men have only glimpsed other penis sizes and shapes in commercial sex videos, which generally feature men with large penises. If you think everyone else looks like a male porn star, of course you’re going to feel inadequate!

Another contributing factor to this attitude is that while most men see their penises several times a day during urination, they’re usually staring down at their penis, creating a visual distortion that actually makes it appear smaller than it really is.

Like noses, penises all have the same basic shape, with some variation. Let’s consider a few basic facts. For instance, did you know that you can’t tell the size of a man’s erect penis based simply on what it looks like when flaccid (un-erect)? Most penises erect to between 4 and 6 inches, and there’s not much variation in erection size (with exceptions, of course). However, when flaccid, there is much more variation. Some men’s penises are 1 inch when flaccid (we’ll call these growers), and others are 5 inches (we’ll call these show-ers). BUT: during erection, the 1-inch penis may grow to the same 6-inch erect size as the 5-incher. That’s right; despite their differences when flaccid, they’ll both erect to approximately the same size. Why don’t most of us realize this? Because most of us just don’t get the opportunity to see men when they’re flaccid and then erect. And did I mention shrinkage? When men are cold or nervous, the penis and testicles pull up into the body for protection (“I’m hiding!”). If you see a penis right after it’s been in a cold swimming pool, I guarantee it will not resemble its erect self in any way!

Wouldn’t It Be Great If I Could Just Take a Pill…?

“If it sounds too good to be true, it usually is.” That’s what my grandmother taught me when I was a little girl. Those so-called herbal supplements for “male enhancement” (whatever THAT is) include this disclaimer on the bottle: “The products and the claims made about specific products on or through this site have not been evaluated by … or the United States Food and Drug Administration.” In other words, THEY’VE NEVER BEEN PROVEN TO WORK (not ever).

As far as I know, there is no product that can make your penis harder, bigger, stronger, last longer or taste like chocolate. And yes, some who have taken them have reported side effects (anyone up for a little rash—or perhaps some itching and burning?).

Rather than depending on a pill, why not examine what’s going on for you? Do you have expectations about sex that include some standard of “performance” that you feel you’re not meeting? If so, you’re setting yourself up for disappointment.

Straight Talk

About penis curvature: Some penises are completely straight, some curve up, some curve down, some curve to the left and some to the right. All of these are simply physical variations—like the difference in peoples’ noses. The only time to be concerned about curvature is if your penis curves so extremely that it’s difficult to be sexual with a partner or if it causes you pain. Most of these curvatures are caused by calcification, and they usually go away with time.

Just as some women seem to associate having big breasts with being “sexy,” many men spend their lives wishing they had the allegedly perfect porn star penis, and this notion can affect their sexual enjoyment. Certainly, penises are important to sex (perhaps you’ve heard), but great sex really does involve your whole body. In fact, having great, mutually satisfying sex is usually quite the opposite of what you see in those performance-oriented sex videos. Keep in mind that thinking about your performance can be the enemy of enjoying the actual pleasure, letting go and having fun.

Here’s a thought: why not relax, value your penis for the size and shape it is, and be thoughtful about its care and handling. If you do, it will serve you well your whole life.

***
Next week, we’ll be back with more of our hands-on Top 10 for Men: Do It Yourself Sex: If It Feels this Good, Why Do They Say It's So Bad?

As always, the Doc is in for your questions and comments.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Dr. J’s Top 10 Women’s Sexual Concerns: Why Doesn’t He Want Me?

“An inordinate passion for pleasure is the secret of remaining young.”
Oscar Wilde

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A note to all you guys: Not just for women; this particular post includes lots of helpful information for you as well.
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Everybody’s favorite Dr. J has survived the holidays; and as promised, I’m ready to rock n’ roll again. We’ve been looking at a wide assortment of concerns drawn from actual questions I’ve received from readers just like you. This latest Top 10 list represents the most common sexual concerns expressed by women who write to me, looking for answers. And as a special New Year’s gift for all you very good readers, after each and every question you’ll find my answer.

Below, you’ll see two variations on a theme. 1) Why doesn’t he want sex as often as I do; and the even-more-traumatic 2) why doesn’t he want to have sex with me? Believe it or not, in many relationships, it’s the woman who is more interested in sex than her male partner. Astounding? Not really. Social roles have long dictated that for men, sex should always be the goal and they should always be ready, willing and able. As for women: they’re supposed to be more focused on “love,” affection and “intimacy” (whatever those terms mean).

The times they are a-changing; and as more and more women embrace and own their individual sexualities, a large number of them are stepping outside what have previously been considered traditional roles. As a result, men may find themselves feeling a bit left out. If we look at the number of books produced about sex each year (and trust me, the numbers are staggering), you’ll see that there’s been an overwhelming tilt towards titles aimed at women. Seems we’re still obsessed with controlling, examining and explaining this thing called “female sexuality.” The upside of all this interest is that women themselves may be more likely to discuss sex and their own sexuality—which is very liberating—so they actually feel less isolated about sex than men. Of course, men may find that they are feeling neglected and less confident. And only when both sexes are free to feel comfortable expressing who and what they actually are—as opposed to how society dictates they should be—will we discover our true inner sexual selves.

Below, submitted for your pleasure, are some composites of the two concerns discussed above. So get comfortable, pour yourself a glass of whatever, and read on.

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Is It Normal for Me to Want Him More?

I want to know if it is normal for me to want my boyfriend way more than he seems to want me. He says he loves having sex, but not as often as I do, and we argue about this lots. I’ve asked some friends’ boyfriends, and they think it’s totally weird that mine would not want to have sex at least once every couple of days or more. And if I don’t make it happen, sometimes we won't have sex for weeks! Oh, he’ll make comments about sex, but when I suggest we actually do it, he’ll say he’s too tired, let’s wait until tomorrow. Why is he doing this? Oh, and the other night when we were finally have sex, within a couple of minutes, he came and that was that! I think its a very important thing in a relationship, but if he’s not that into sex this early in our relationship, do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I know he’s dealing with depression and is on anti-depressants, and I think he may have had some major traumatic experience when he was younger that may have contributed to his current problems. Do I have too much desire? Is there something wrong with this situation, or am I worrying too much?

***
Dr J’s response:

Relax. First of all, there’s no such thing as “normal” when it comes to sex. Whatever is normal for you, is “normal.” You are your unique self, and whatever you enjoy is part of you. If you like steak and your boyfriend likes chicken, neither of you would think the other is “abnormal” would you? In any relationship, there are bound to be different preferences, likes, dislikes, etc. The trick is to be able to appreciate those differences (very often, the differences are the main reason we became attracted to that person in the first place) and integrate them successfully into your relationships.

I wish I had a dollar for each time someone writes: “WHY does my partner do this?” The simple fact is, how would anyone know without asking him? All I can do is speculate about possibilities. The only way to find out for sure is to ASK him.

So your partner enjoys sex less often than you do. The first step is to ask yourself what you’re actually using sex for. Is your desire truly for sex itself, or is it for the cozy, intimate feeling you get after sex? Some women only feel loved and cared for after sex because some men are only able to express their love during sex. If you don’t feel intimate and loved in your non-sexual time together, this can put a lot of pressure on sex to make up for what seems to be lacking.

Additionally, there are physical conditions that can affect desire: depression, prescription drugs and large amounts of marijuana may contribute to a lessening of both energy and desire.

Secondly: past traumas also may prevent us from expressing our sexuality.

Of course, there are also many other factors that can influence someone’s level of sexual interest or desire. There may be other issues in his life that contribute to his current behavior. Is he content with himself, with his life, with your relationship? Are there, or have there been any family or work crises? And what about you? Has your appearance changed dramatically? Are you doing something (anything) that might be pushing him away?

If he’s interested in sex, but feels no desire to actually be sexual with you, perhaps he’s not being aroused by what the two of you are doing. And just to complicate matters further, sometimes we go through periods where our desires may take a break, and this has nothing to do with our partner or any conflicts, but merely our all-too-human biological and/or emotional ups and downs.

Is he feeling anxious? Anxiety is the enemy of good sex. If he feels anxious or unsure of himself, his desire will be affected. Or he may have conflicting feelings about being sexual, based on earlier issues in his life. Or he may actually FEEL desire, but suppress it, due to feeling conflicted. Are you aware of any reasons he may have for avoiding sex? One clue is that even when the two of you are sexual, it sounds like he wants to get it over with. This could indicate he has some conflicts, either about sex in general or about sex within the context of your relationship. Either of these can contribute to the possibility that he’s not turned on to you currently.

Understand that there could be many other reasons that he’s not turned on: Men receive so many messages from society, advertising, family, movies, television, magazines, friends, books, religion, (the list is endless) about what “should” happen between two people that when it comes down to having sex, a man may equate sex with “performance” and pleasing his partner, rather than just relaxing and enjoying the pleasure himself. Everything is goal-oriented—like a football game. The other message that many men receive is that sex is somehow dirty and wrong, unless you’re doing it for reproductive purposes. Sometimes this can creep into our unconscious thoughts and sabotage any pleasure. Some men are very affected by cultural or family messages that unmarried women who have sex are somehow “dirty” or “evil.”

So, let’s recap: He may have some underlying physiological issues, he may have unresolved attitudes about sex in general, he may have performance issues, he may be bored, he may be frustrated—or it may be something else entirely.

The next step is to talk with your partner regarding how the two of you can make this work for the both of you. I strongly suggest the two of you try talking to each other—rather than arguing with each other—as your first and possibly most productive step. The most helpful attitude is “what can we do TOGETHER to make this work for both of us?” Remember to share only your feelings; don’t attack him or accuse him. This process involves problem-solving as a team. You might ask him to share whether there’s anything he might like you to do that would increase his desire. Certain clothing, activities, or…? If you put your heads together, you might be able to work out a creative solution. For instance, there are lots of ways to be sexual and intimate that don’t involve p-v sex. If your partner’s sexual energy is low when you want sex, how about asking him to hold and stroke you while you self-pleasure? My guess is that once you two get comfortable, he’ll find that it’s not only intimate, but fun too. If this isn’t an option you care to pursue, are there other things the two of you can do that will satisfy your desire more often? Think of this as a fun way to get to know each other better, and it won’t seem so daunting.

How about getting up a little earlier and having sex in the morning? Many men love having sex in the morning—and many women are uncomfortable with the idea because they don’t feel attractive. So get up a few minutes earlier, brush your teeth, comb your hair—whatever else you need to do to feel attractive—and get back into bed with him. Also ask him what are HIS best times? Perhaps Saturday evenings when he’s had a chance to relax a bit? And would he like to try some new things? Maybe dress you up? The possibilities are endless, so get going. You can still have yummy sex for the rest of your life; you’ll just need to invest in a little communication and creativity.

It’s time to get help so that the both of you can talk about your separate and joint concerns. A counselor can guide you through the process of discussing these subjects with each other in a safe environment. Lastly, the two of you should definitely get this issue resolved before you consider spending your lives together.
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Next week: Guys, it’s your turn. We’ll begin discussing the Top Ten Men’s Sexual Concerns as expressed in letters to me.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Out with the Old...

And in with the oh-so-new. And hope. And joy. We are sooo going to have a Happy New Year.

You betcha.

See you in '09

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Oh the Weather Outside Is Frightful…

But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!
“Let It Snow,” Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne

So here I sit: My skis are waxed, I’m ready to hit the slopes, and guess what? Rough skiing – no snow. Well, not yet anyway. It’s supposed to start snowing tomorrow (and that helps me how?). And here I was all set to relieve the snow monkey on my back this week. Here in California, if you head up to Tahoe on a weekend, you’re just asking to sit in traffic and wait in lift lines. No thanks, Frosty. I’ll wait until some Wednesday in mid-January, when I can avoid those nasty crowds.

In the meantime, most of us are mired in the annual holiday marathon, dashing madly from one holiday obligation to another while trying frantically to find the perfect gift for that special someone we’ll call your “Light of My Life” (LML).

How about treating both yourself and your LML this year by giving the gift of “HAPPY”? HAPPY is just the thing for any relationship—and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. HAPPY stands for: Humor, Acceptance, Patience, Pleasure and Yes.

Humor

It’s true, it’s true: Wit and high spirits really do help get you through the toughest, most stressful times. It’s just not that big a deal when he leaves the toilet seat up, is it? So make a joke, and move on.

You: Damn! That stupid Bathroom Fairy didn't show up overnight to clean up the sink again!
LML: Oh. Did I leave a glob of toothpaste in the sink? Sorry.

LML: How’s the clam chowder I made?
You: Mmmm. Clammy! Salty, too!
LML: Salty? Did I put in too much salt?
You: Come here, and we’ll cut the salt with a little wine lapped up from your navel.

Acceptance

Some things are just NOT going to change—and it really helps when you realize that you can’t force them.

He’s never going to look like an Adonis; but he sure feels good next to you in the morning—especially with that festive holiday wood (A Yule log for me? You shouldn’t have! Well, I did tell Santa I’ve been really good this year. Can I unwrap it now? Oh please, oh please, oh please!).

She’s put on a few pounds since you met; but be honest, there’s something about those curves that make her look even more attractive. Face it, everybody thinks their LML looks great in lingerie—and even better taking it off!

Patience

You have to get to that party, but he’s called to say he’s running late.

You: We both agreed we’d go to this office party.
LML: I know; I’m stuck at my sister’s. Do we really have to go?
You: I don’t know; it’s YOUR office party.
LML: You’re right. I’ll be right over.
You: OK. Get here early, and I might let you muss me up before we go. . .

Pleasure

LML is out there, stressed about finding YOU the perfect gift as well. So how about a little pleasure to ease that stress? Perhaps a nice long massage with a fur mitt? Or feathery kisses all over? Or…?

Yes

Here’s an innovative way to get into the holiday spirit: Pick a person in your life, and just say “yes” to anything they ask you—for an entire day. Be brave. You may be surprised at where saying “yes” leads.

Wrap It up in a Nice Box with a Pretty Pink Ribbon

Love really does last longer when you stir in a generous helping of good will. So when that holiday stress starts getting to you (and it will), remember HAPPY: Humor, Acceptance, Patience, Pleasure, and saying Yes. Your partner will love you all the more for it, and I guarantee you’ll have a truly HAPPY Holiday.

Yes, With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Dr. J’s Top 10 of ’08: Orgasm: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

“Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency”
Margo St. James, social activist

As promised, it’s time for some more holiday fun with a list of questions I like to call the Top 10 Women’s Concerns. For the next few weeks, we’re looking at an assortment of concerns drawn from actual questions I’ve received from readers just like you. This particular Top 10 list represents the most common sexual concerns expressed by women. OK, because you’ve been such very good readers this year and have hardly ever misbehaved, after each and every question you’ll find my answer. Oh—and if you’re a really astute reader (that’s right, I mean you), you’ll no doubt notice that most of these questions share a common theme (did someone say “orgasms”?)

In fact, the #1 all-time, most popular question I receive from both women and men has to do with women’s orgasms. Never has such a subject been so scrutinized, analyzed, hypothesized and brutalized.

So get comfortable, pour yourself a glass of whatever, and journey down this well-traveled road with us.

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WHY?????? Can’t I Have an Orgasm?

I've been sexually active on and off for about 5 years. I have never had an orgasm.. not even close to ever having one. Is something wrong.. or should we just try new things?

Help?!

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Dr J’s response:

When you meet someone who tells you they can't swim, you know it's not that they CAN'T, it's that they just haven't learned yet--usually because they're afraid, right?

Orgasm is the same way: for most of us, it's a learned behavior, but many of us haven't yet learned how because we're afraid--for a myriad of reasons.

First, many of us don’t ever learn about our own bodies—particularly our vulva. What do girls learn about their vulva? They receive either no message at all (which is the same as receiving a negative message), or they are given two washcloths—one for their body, and one for “down there.” Now there’s a negative message for you: It’s so dirty, you can’t touch it with the same cloth you’d use on the rest of your body! It’s no wonder that we’re woefully ignorant about orgasm as well.

So how to remedy that? The first step in claiming your body is to learn about your crotch: 1) Do a self-exam: Get a good mirror, sit down, find all your parts and get to know them. Look at your unique colors and shapes and revel in this wonderful gift you’ve been given! 2) Look at photos of vulvas. Excellent books are available from http://www.libida.com and http://www.goodvibes.com/

Most of us learn about women’s orgasms from movies, TV and books. You know: the perfect, romantic, spontaneous, simultaneous, earth-moving Big O. We’re supposed to orgasm from 2 minutes of penis-vagina sex in the missionary position in the dark with a partner who is clueless. So we put this pressure on ourselves and are mostly disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

Here’s the reality: In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. Most women do not orgasm from penis-vagina sex alone, so please don't put pressure on yourself to do so.

For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans. Also important to know is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.

Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely.

And one final word about orgasms: They last about 10 seconds, and yet we put so much value on them. Besides orgasm, there are lots of pleasurable things to enjoy during sex—whether it's with yourself or with a partner. So please don't focus solely on orgasm. If you put that kind of pressure on yourself, it becomes a "job" instead of fun. And sex can be lots of fun if you relax and enjoy all the sensations. Sex is a grand buffet of wonderful dishes. If you focus on only one, you'll miss out on all the other wonderful flavors. Good luck! Dr. J

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Here’s an idea: Let’s all start gettin' in the holiday spirit by starting with the most important gift of all: love and acceptance. If you start by loving and accepting yourself, you’ll find it that much easier to love and accept others. So stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break from that relentless criticism, and enjoy this special time of the year.

Back next week with more questions, answers and general hell-raising.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J