Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Thursday, February 07, 2008

Talkin’ the Talk, Part II

“I wish people who have trouble communicating would just shut up”
Tom Lehrer

In which we further explore the whys and hows of talkin’ sex…

You: “What do you want to do tonight?”
LYL (Light of Your Life): “I don’t know. What do you want to do?”

If you and your partner were to actually talk about sex, is that what it would sound like? Be honest. Sometimes we just don’t know what it is we want, and if we don’t know what we want, we obviously don’t know how to ask for it either. Often the reason we don’t know what it is we want is because we haven’t taken the time to reflect on it from within our own internal perspective, rather than borrowing it from what someone else has told us or from something we’ve seen on TV or in a movie or magazine.

You’re Just Jealous Because the Voices Only Talk to Me!

If we were to think about where we get our messages, we’d realize they generally seem to come from commercial sources. You know, the ones specifically designed to sell us something—or some image. Therefore, if your desires tend to be conditioned by commercial sources (TV, films, magazines, etc.), so that if what you think you want is a petite blonde and you actually end up with a 6-foot tall brunette—well you’re going to experience an internal dilemma! How can you possibly be happy with your tall brunette when everything in the commercial media seems to be saying you’re supposed to want the opposite?

And have you ever stopped to think about just what kind of touch and caress turns you on? Do you even know? Are you realizing that your early experiences were characterized by you just being grateful you were being touched at all, much less being touched in a way you’d enjoy even more?

Let’s Put on a Show in the Barn!

So your first step is to figure out just what it is that you want—or at least what you think you might like to try. Your next step might be to discuss it with your partner—but be sure to do it in a casual, non-confrontational way. Do you bring it up from out of the blue, or do you mention it conversationally as a tie-in to something you’ve heard or read? Before you get too stressed out, the Doc is here to suggest how it might go:

You: “I’ve seen lots of references lately to couples playing out their fantasies with each other. Remember that movie we saw last week, where the couple told each other a fantasy and then they tried it? That was pretty hot.”

LYL: “Hmm. Yeah I remember. It was kind of weird, wasn’t it?” (OK, if the LYL isn’t completely comfortable with the idea, pay attention to the fact that s/he hasn’t run screaming from the room, and realize this might be something you can use as your next opening gambit.)

You: “Maybe. But maybe it just seemed weird because we’ve never tried anything like it. I’m just saying it might be fun to try.”

LYL: “I don’t know…What if I say something and you laugh?” (still a little wary about being judged)

You: “I would never laugh. Not even if you want to be a shepherd and want me to be a sheep!” (humor always helps)

LYL: (laughing) Really? Are you sure? Well I guess we could try it one time at least. It might even be fun trying something new.


See how easy that was? Now you try it—and get back to me. Tell, tell, tell! We all want to know how well it works out for you.

Welcome aboard. Find a comfortable seat, ‘cause we’re always open for business here on the Bus to Nirvana.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J


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