Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Tuesday, December 23, 2008

Out with the Old...

And in with the oh-so-new. And hope. And joy. We are sooo going to have a Happy New Year.
You betcha.

See you in '09

With Pleasure,
Dr. J

Friday, December 12, 2008

Oh the Weather Outside Is Frightful…

But the fire is so delightful
And since we’ve no place to go
Let it snow! Let it snow! Let it snow!

“Let It Snow,” Sammy Cahn and Jule Styne

So here I sit: My skis are waxed, I’m ready to hit the slopes, and guess what? Rough skiing – no snow. Well, not yet anyway. It’s supposed to start snowing next week (and that helps me how?). And here I was all set to relieve the snow monkey on my back this week. Here in California, if you head up to Tahoe on a weekend, you’re just asking to sit in traffic and wait in lift lines. No thanks, Frosty. I’ll wait until some Wednesday in mid-January, when I can avoid those nasty crowds.

In the meantime, most of us are mired in the annual holiday marathon, dashing madly from one holiday obligation to another while trying frantically to find the perfect gift for that special someone we’ll call your “Light of My Life” (LML).

How about treating both yourself and your LML this year by giving the gift of “HAPPY”? HAPPY is just the thing for any relationship—and it’s the gift that keeps on giving. HAPPY stands for: Humor, Acceptance, Patience, Pleasure and Yes.


It’s true, it’s true: Wit and high spirits really do help get you through the toughest, most stressful times. It’s just not that big a deal when he leaves the toilet seat up, is it? So make a joke, and move on.

You: Damn! That stupid Bathroom Fairy didn't show up overnight to clean up the sink again!
LML: Oh. Did I leave a glob of toothpaste in the sink? Sorry.

LML: How’s the clam chowder I made?
You: Mmmm. Clammy! Salty, too!
LML: Salty? Did I put in too much salt?
You: Come here, and we’ll cut the salt with a little wine lapped up from your navel.


Some things are just NOT going to change—and it really helps when you realize that you can’t force them.

He’s never going to look like an Adonis; but he sure feels good next to you in the morning—especially with that festive holiday wood (A Yule log for me? You shouldn’t have! Well, I did tell Santa I’ve been really good this year. Can I unwrap it now? Oh please, oh please, oh please!).

She’s put on a few pounds since you met; but be honest, there’s something about those curves that make her look even more attractive. Face it, everybody thinks their LML looks great in lingerie—and even better taking it off!


You have to get to that party, but he’s called to say he’s running late.

You: We both agreed we’d go to this office party.
LML: I know; I’m stuck at my sister’s. Do we really have to go?
You: I don’t know; it’s YOUR office party.
LML: You’re right. I’ll be right over.
You: OK. Get here early, and I might let you muss me up before we go. . .


LML is out there, stressed about finding YOU the perfect gift as well. So how about a little pleasure to ease that stress? Perhaps a nice long massage with a fur mitt? Or feathery kisses all over? Or…?


Here’s an innovative way to get into the holiday spirit: Pick a person in your life, and just say “yes” to anything they ask you—for an entire day. Be brave. You may be surprised at where saying “yes” leads.

Wrap It up in a Nice Box with a Pretty Pink Ribbon

Love really does last longer when you stir in a generous helping of good will. So when that holiday stress starts getting to you (and it will), remember HAPPY: Humor, Acceptance, Patience, Pleasure, and saying Yes. Your partner will love you all the more for it, and I guarantee you’ll have a truly HAPPY Holiday.

Yes, With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Friday, December 05, 2008

Dr. J’s Top 10 of ’08: Orgasm: The Gift That Keeps On Giving

“Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency”
Margo St. James, social activist

As promised, it’s time for some more holiday fun with a list of questions I like to call the Top 10 Women’s Concerns. For the next few weeks, we’re looking at an assortment of concerns drawn from actual questions I’ve received from readers just like you. This particular Top 10 list represents the most common sexual concerns expressed by women. OK, because you’ve been such very good readers this year and have hardly ever misbehaved, after each and every question you’ll find my answer. Oh—and if you’re a really astute reader (that’s right, I mean you), you’ll no doubt notice that most of these questions share a common theme (did someone say “orgasms”?)

In fact, the #1 all-time, most popular question I receive from both women and men has to do with women’s orgasms. Never has such a subject been so scrutinized, analyzed, hypothesized and brutalized.

So get comfortable, pour yourself a glass of whatever, and journey down this well-traveled road with us.

WHY?????? Can’t I Have an Orgasm?

I've been sexually active on and off for about 5 years. I have never had an orgasm.. not even close to ever having one. Is something wrong.. or should we just try new things?


Dr J’s response:

When you meet someone who tells you they can't swim, you know it's not that they CAN'T, it's that they just haven't learned yet--usually because they're afraid, right?

Orgasm is the same way: for most of us, it's a learned behavior, but many of us haven't yet learned how because we're afraid--for a myriad of reasons.

First, many of us don’t ever learn about our own bodies—particularly our vulva. What do girls learn about their vulva? They receive either no message at all (which is the same as receiving a negative message), or they are given two washcloths—one for their body, and one for “down there.” Now there’s a negative message for you: It’s so dirty, you can’t touch it with the same cloth you’d use on the rest of your body! It’s no wonder that we’re woefully ignorant about orgasm as well.

So how to remedy that? The first step in claiming your body is to learn about your crotch: 1) Do a self-exam: Get a good mirror, sit down, find all your parts and get to know them. Look at your unique colors and shapes and revel in this wonderful gift you’ve been given! 2) Look at photos of vulvas. Excellent books are available from http://www.libida.com and http://www.goodvibes.com/

Most of us learn about women’s orgasms from movies, TV and books. You know: the perfect, romantic, spontaneous, simultaneous, earth-moving Big O. We’re supposed to orgasm from 2 minutes of penis-vagina sex in the missionary position in the dark with a partner who is clueless. So we put this pressure on ourselves and are mostly disappointed when it doesn’t happen.

Here’s the reality: In women, the clitoris must be stimulated—either directly or indirectly—in order for orgasm to happen. The clitoris is our primary sex organ--not the vagina--and consists of the glans (or head), the hood which covers the glans, and the shaft. Most women do not orgasm from penis-vagina sex alone, so please don't put pressure on yourself to do so.

For most women, orgasm results from a constant circular motion around the shaft and glans. Also important to know is that once a woman’s orgasm begins, if the stimulation is removed, the orgasm will end. Orgasm is characterized by a series of pleasurable, involuntary contractions in and around the vulva (clitoris, vagina and inner/outer lips). Most women have between 5 and 8 contractions per orgasm.

Once you understand your own body’s responses, then you can begin to share them with a partner—even more fun! Be patient. It takes time to learn and to build up trust, but if you do this now, you’ll be setting yourself up for yummy sex for the rest of your life. I highly recommend the book, "For Yourself: The Fulfillment of Female Sexuality," by Lonnie Barbach. It's widely available in paperback, and is a step-by-step program for learning about your own sexual response. In addition, it contains lots of sharing by women about their own personal journeys of sexual self-discovery. I think it will help you immensely.

And one final word about orgasms: They last about 10 seconds, and yet we put so much value on them. Besides orgasm, there are lots of pleasurable things to enjoy during sex—whether it's with yourself or with a partner. So please don't focus solely on orgasm. If you put that kind of pressure on yourself, it becomes a "job" instead of fun. And sex can be lots of fun if you relax and enjoy all the sensations. Sex is a grand buffet of wonderful dishes. If you focus on only one, you'll miss out on all the other wonderful flavors. Good luck! Dr. J

Here’s an idea: Let’s all start gettin' in the holiday spirit by starting with the most important gift of all: love and acceptance. If you start by loving and accepting yourself, you’ll find it that much easier to love and accept others. So stop being so hard on yourself. Give yourself a break from that relentless criticism, and enjoy this special time of the year.

Back next week with more questions, answers and general hell-raising.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J