Dr. J’s Declaration of Sexual Independence

“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable Rights, that among these are Life, Liberty and the pursuit of Happiness.”
The Declaration of Independence

As we here in the U.S. get ready to celebrate July 4th, I can’t help but ponder those weighty words above–-and of course, I feel compelled to add women to that very important and eloquent equation. I’ve often wondered: what if the writers of the Declaration of Independence considered sexuality as an unalienable right? They might have included our right to the pursuit of sexual happiness, including:

• freedom to pursue mutually satisfying sex (put on that lingerie, break out the lube and work it, girl!)
• freedom to pursue sexual knowledge in all its manifestations (what would all the 12-year-old boys have done without Playboy, Oui, etc.)
• freedom to have sexual thoughts and fantasies (they belong to you, and no one can take them away)
• freedom to identify with whatever gender or nongender works for us (macho truck drivers who like to knit: step out from behind those tired old clichés and into the Authentic You)
• freedom of sexual self-determination (I want what I want when I want it!)
• freedom from persecution, condemnation, discrimination, or societal intervention in private sexual behavior (can’t we all just get along and let each other be happy? Vibrators are STILL illegal in Texas!)
• freedom to have nonjudgmental sexual health care (when you absolutely, positively need a doctor who understands your devotion to patent leather pumps!)
• freedom to control reproduction (will we EVER have a male birth control pill?!!!#@@#$##$#$)
• freedom from political, legal or religious interference in sexual expression (until that day comes, I guess that’s what Showtime and HBO are for, right?)

And finally, the recognition that our society needs to have mechanisms in place whereby the opportunities for socio-sexual activities are made available to the following: disabled persons; chronically ill persons; those incarcerated in prisons, hospitals or institutions; those disadvantaged because of age, lack of physical attractiveness, or lack of social skills; the poor and the lonely.

I’m sure you can all find something on the above list that pertains to you and your life, so here’s to you: Happy Sexual Independence Day!

The barbeque is already heating up and the Mai Tais are chilled and waiting on the bar, so it’s time for your friendly neighborhood Dr. J to head off for yet another celebration. For now I want each of you to go out and exercise your own individual unalienable Right to pursue your particular Happiness. See you in two weeks!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Look What’s on the Menu!: Giving Oral Sex to a Woman

“One half of the world cannot understand the pleasures of the other.”

Jane Austen

**Happy Anniversary, Ginny and Jim!**

Loving a woman means allowing yourself to be overcome by the desire to kiss and lick that magical mysterious spot—no, south of there: her crotch. I’ve spoken to many men and women who say there’s nowhere they’d rather be than between their woman’s thighs. Others do it to please their partner; and yet as surprising as it may seem, there are even others who would rather lick a live eel. (I hear eel is an acquired taste.)

In previous posts, we’ve covered some general aspects of oral sex; now it’s time to delve into that deep dark mystery: just what does she like?

Believe it or not, some women don’t even want to experiment with receiving oral sex, because of those old messages about it being dirty “down there,” etc. If your partner suffers from this attitude, this is your chance to step up and be the great therapist. Help her get comfortable with how beautiful and desirable that part of her body is for you. Step 1: consider having her read all the postings in this blog, starting at the beginning. Step 2: when the two of you are ready, you can begin the journey together that leads to finding out what drives her wild—the kind of wild that leaves scratch marks on your back.

Sadly, many people get their ideas about oral sex techniques from watching commercial erotica, so there’s nobody there to tell them that the reason the women are holding their legs that far apart is so they don’t block the camera. While this may make for better cinematography, it isn’t necessarily pleasurable—especially if she has to hold that position for long periods of time. (Oooh, baby!)

Here are some things you can do while giving oral sex to a woman; but please, before you actually try them, make sure she’s willing. And when you get promoted to Oral Sex Guru, she might just let you have your way with her and try anything else you’d like.

· Don’t immediately dive straight for her clitoris; go slowly and gently lick the rest of her vulva; in fact, gently lick everything BUT her clitoris
· When she’s warmed up, give her a lick all the way up from her vagina to the tippy-top of her clitoris
· With the tip of your tongue, make a few slow circles around her clitoris
· Slowly stroke each of her inner lips
· Carefully separate each part of her crotch with your tongue
· Lightly (and lightly means lightly) nip the tip (glans) of her clitoris
· Slowly put a well-lubricated finger into her vagina—or her anus
· Once she’s very turned on, insert a finger about an inch into her vagina and stroke the top wall (this is the “G Spot,” and is extremely sensitive in some women – but it’s not always easy to find)
· Get creative with your tongue; don’t be shy about using the tip, the flat part and even the edge – get interactive and find out what it takes to push her particular button/s

Did she get the kind of grin on her face that can’t be pried off, even with a crowbar? Did she turn into a helpless mass of quivering jelly? Did she offer to sign the title to her Jaguar over to you? If so, you can be sure she liked what you were doing. Now you’ll never get rid of her! :) In some cultures, a partner who gives great head is worth his/her weight in gold.

While it’s true that oral sex is statistically the second most effective way for most women to orgasm, don’t put pressure on yourself and your partner that she must orgasm during oral sex. Some women may just want to use oral sex to get very turned on before moving on to other activities, while others might feel self-conscious and unable to relax enough to orgasm. Some may only finally be able to orgasm after, oh, say, about 30 minutes or so. Think your jaw can hold up for that long? Aren’t you glad you don’t have to worry about getting in a position so the camera can get a better shot?

Headiquette

The last thing a woman wants on her thighs is beard burn, so if you have facial hair, either grow a full beard or make sure you’re clean-shaven if you think you’re going to get lucky and have oral sex. And women, the same goes for you. Long hair gets tangled in the teeth, and spiky hair that’s beginning to grow out from that recent wax/shave, makes for a very rough tongue trip for your marvelous munching mister/sister!!

To kiss or not to kiss: Some women definitely do not want to be kissed after their lover has gone down on them. This is why Altoids and Kleenex were invented. Other women find their own taste on their lover highly erotic. As always, it’s up to you to find out about her preferences.

Taste

Are you one of those women who sweats garlic for hours after eating at your favorite Italian restaurant? For many of us, our body flavors are influenced by diet. If this is true for you and you’re hoping to receive oral sex, you might want to cool it on those intensely flavored condiments (onions, garlic, etc.) for a few hours before approaching your object of desire. In addition, any drastic change in vitamins can also alter the smell and taste of your vaginal secretions.

Once you’ve mutually agreed upon some techniques and you’ve learned how to send her out of this world, you might want to try even more experimentation. I’m sure you can come up with some creative—and daring—innovations. Have fun and play safe!

As always, I welcome your comments and questions. We’d all love to hear about your special oral sex techniques, likes and dislikes. The doctor is definitely in.

Next week: Dr. J’s Declaration of Sexual Independence!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Go to the Head of the Class: Giving Oral Sex to a Man

“Graze on my lips; and if those hills be dry,
Stray lower, where the pleasant fountains lie”
William Shakespeare

Lick
Suck
Stroke
Tongue
Nibble

Yum.

Guys, it’s your turn. Time for everyone’s favorite subject: how to go down on a man (and drive him wild). In a previous post, I covered some general aspects of oral sex; now it’s time to go deeper :}

Here’s a story which may or may not be true:

Everyone remembers the words of the first astronaut on the moon: “That’s one small step for a man, one giant leap for mankind.” However, just before he stepped out onto the moon’s surface, he said: “Good luck, Mr. Rubinski.” Years later, he explained: “One summer when I was a kid, my friend and I were throwing a baseball outside, and as I ran to retrieve it under our neighbors’ bedroom window, I heard Mrs. Rubinski say: ‘Oral sex?! You want oral sex?! You’ll get oral sex when the kid next door walks on the moon!’”

This story illustrates that for previous generations, oral sex was both forbidden and exotic. Believe it or not, most men were happy just to have the opportunity to experience it—even once.

Fast-forward to the 21st century. Let’s deal with the myth that all guys love oral sex so much they don’t give a lick how you do it, just that you do it. Have you ever heard a man say, “Who cares about technique? Baby, just the idea of you doing it is enough to turn me on.” Despite what you may have heard, most men do have very definite likes and dislikes when it comes to receiving oral sex.

Most people think that going down on a man isn’t quite as complicated as going down on a woman, since his penis is right there, in your face (as it were). As in all aspects of sex, there is no one-size-fits-all technique. In other words, having his penis sucked on as though it were a popsicle may or may not be what drives your particular guy (or guys) crazy.

Here are some things you can do when giving oral sex to a man; but please, before trying them, check in with him about his preferences or whether he’s willing to be experimental and let you just go ahead and have your way with him.

· Caress his penis with one or both hands, with your breasts, or with any other parts of your body
· Lick his entire penis like an ice cream cone
· Lick the underside of his penis from the base to the tip
· Run your tongue under his coronal ridge (the bottom ridge of the helmet)
· Lick, caress or even tickle his testicles
· Use both hands while using your mouth (this will also help you control the depth of penetration)
· Pinch, twist or stroke his nipples
· Caress his anus—if he’s willing, try inserting a well-lubricated finger inside

Remember to keep a bit of saliva in your mouth while you’re giving oral sex. You don’t need a lot, and this will help supply a natural lubricant.

“Headiquette”

Most of us don’t want to end up crying during oral sex (unless of course that’s what some of you are into)! Seriously, if you have a well-developed gag reflex, you’ll want to control how deeply his penis penetrates into your mouth. This can be surprisingly easy—and fun! By holding his shaft in your hand/s, you can not only provide him with some extra stimulation, but also control how deep he goes. Put your moist mouth around the head of his penis, or if you like, take him a little deeper. As you do this, stroke him with your hands up and down the length of his shaft. Let him tell you how fast or slow you should go, and I guarantee your partner will enjoy it! You might also try humming; he might like that too.

To Swallow or …

So many myths, so little time. No, swallowing his semen won’t make you fat (the amount of calories per ejaculation is negligible). No, semen doesn’t have any magical qualities that will clear up your skin if you rub it on your face (teenage boys like to claim this is true—and how many teenage boy dermatologists have you ever met?). And although there’s no risk of pregnancy during oral exposure to semen, it is true that it may contain pathogens that carry diseases, etc.

Here are two things you’ll want to negotiate with your male partner: 1) whether you’re OK with him coming in your mouth (he’s not a mind reader); and 2) if you do let him come in your mouth, he should know that it’s still your decision about whether you wish to swallow it. If you don’t want your partner to come in your mouth, be sure to tell him before you begin. If you’re OK with going there but don’t want to swallow, simply turn your head while you delicately and discreetly spit into a tissue (which you conveniently placed nearby—clever you). Do not be rude, do not loudly spit and whatever you do, do not say, “eww, yuck!” This is considered insulting.

Tasty or Tasteless?

Guys: Are you one of those people who sweats garlic for hours after eating that Mega Special Pizza? For many of us, our body flavors are influenced by our diet. If this is true for you and you’re hoping to receive oral sex, you might want to cool it on those intensely flavored condiments (onions, garlic, etc.) for a few hours before approaching your object of desire.

For both of you: Once you’ve mutually agreed upon some techniques that send him on that trip to the moon, you might want to try even more experimentation. I’m sure you can come up with some creative—even daring—innovations. Have fun and play safe!

Next week: Giving Oral Sex to a Woman

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

The Amazing Clitoris: For Women and the Men Who Love Them

“To believe that God doesn’t like sex is like believing that God doesn’t like you: we all wind up carrying a secret shame for our own perfectly natural sexual desires and fulfillments. We prefer the beliefs of a woman we met who is a devoted churchgoer. She told us that when she was about five years old, she discovered the joys of masturbation in the back seat of the family car, tucked under a warm blanket on a long trip. It felt so wonderful that she concluded that the existence of her clitoris was proof positive that God loved her.”
Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, The Ethical Slut

If you have a clitoris (and most of us do), consider yourself lucky. Over 90% of women living in northeastern Africa (Egypt, Sudan, Somalia, etc.) have had their clitorises removed! This procedure is called a “clitorectomy.” You might have seen this referred to as “female circumcision,” and wondered what it meant. Make no mistake: women don’t have a foreskin like the penis does, so this term is inaccurate and is generally used as a means of minimizing the impact of this practice.

In some of those countries, the fear and hatred of female sexuality is so pervasive that people believe that if a woman has a clitoris, not only will she be sexually uncontrollable, but she also won’t be satisfied with staying at home and taking care of the children (as if orgasms were the only factor contributing to anyone’s need for liberation!).

The clitoris’ nature and structure has been misunderstood for so long that it’s not surprising that some cultures want nothing to do with it. Some even go so far as to remove all external structures of the vulva—not just the clitoris—believing that the vulva is “gross” and even dangerous! It makes you realize that while we’ve come so far in many ways, we still have so much farther to go. Sigh.

OK. That’s the bad news. Now here’s the good news: we sexologists are discovering more and more about this wonderful organ of pleasure, including how vast it actually is. Today we have a little show and tell. Here’s a wonderful video clip from the great artist and sexologist Betty Dodson, in which Betty not only illustrates the internal and external structure of the clitoris, but also narrates in her very own inimitable style.

Watch and enjoy (click on link below). UPDATE FROM FRIDAY for all of you who emailed me in frustration: The previous link was incorrect. Below is the correct link (my apologies).

http://www.youtube.com/p.swf?video_id=cWRO0IIN_QE&eurl=http%3A//www.google.com/search%3Fhl%3Den%26q%3D%2522Betty%2BDodson%2522&iurl=http%3A//img.youtube.com/vi/cWRO0IIN_QE/2.jpg&t=OEgsToPDskKJzL9t4twKh6Go6kBy1ylc

Incidentally, the book to which Betty refers in the clip is A New View of a Woman’s Body, by Suzanne Gage. I highly recommend it!

As always, the doc is in for your comments and questions.

Next week: More about Oral Sex (yum!)

With Pleasure,

Dr. J