Spring Fever!
“Spring has sprung; the grass is riz;
I wonder where the flowers is?”
Welcome! If you’re new to this blog, start at the introduction in the August archives to the right and then read forward to catch up.
***
Ah, Spring: Solstice, bunnies, matzoh, Earth Day.
Spring fever? Got it. As soon as the sun warms up, I’m out in the garden, planting flowers and fairly itching to throw off all my clothes. (Oops. The doc got a little carried away there—but that’s how deeply spring affects me).
Those of you fortunate enough to live in a warmer clime may not notice the subtle seasonal changes quite as much, but those who suffer through winter probably know what it’s like to go a little crazy when the clock strikes spring. So consider this post your signal to let down your hair and get naked (today’s secret word is: CAVORT!)
There’s another seasonal phenomenon: spring cleaning. Symptoms often include looking under beds for dust bunnies and cleaning out closets. Extreme cases have even been known to throw open windows to let in fresh air.
But how about some sexual/relationship spring cleaning? Your aura could use a little polishing, you know. How would you go about doing that? I’m glad you asked, because I’ve got a plan.
What if I told you that it’s just like cleaning your closet? How’s that jealousy looking on you? Go ahead; try it on one last time. Do you want to wear it one more season, or do you want to put it in the discard pile? And what about that anger at your partner? Has that really been festering all winter? OK, put it on and take a look in the mirror. My, my, my. Isn’t that attractive? No, it really isn’t. Know what your doctor recommends? Slowly put it in the discard pile, and no one gets hurt.
Check in those back corners, too. Any other behaviors in there that are looking a little tattered and frayed around the edges? (e.g., a discomfort with oral sex, or an inability to communicate your sexual needs) Toss ‘em! Throw ‘em out! All of them! It’s time for a whole new look. And wouldn’t you know, the all-new, experimental version of you can be up and running just in time for summer fun (and games).
Did I already mention today’s secret word is: CAVORT!
As always, the doctor is in (but maybe just a little feverish) and welcomes your comments and questions.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
Frequency Discrepancies, Part 3: “Where Do We Go from Here?”
“Something there is that doesn't love a wall, and wants it down"
Robert Frost
Welcome! If you’re new to this blog, please read the last two weeks’ posts for the first part of this story—or better yet, start at the introduction in the August archives to the right and then read forward to catch up.
Three weeks ago (remember when we started this whole “frequency” journey?), we discussed your wanting to share with your partner your desire to have sex more frequently. I encouraged you to make an effort not to sound like you’re nagging or whining and to think about how you can present the subject in a positive way, as an opportunity for both of you to work on your problem-solving skills. I might also add that when traveling in Personal Growth Land, it never hurts to take as much time as you need so you both learn something new about each other. I suggested your dialogue might go something like this:
The fire is lit, the wine is poured and the lights are low. Try saying: “You look so great. I can’t believe how turned on you make me feel. How do you do it?” (Always start with a compliment.) Then you might say: “I’ve been noticing that sometimes when I want sex, you’re not interested. I don’t want anything to get in the way of our happiness, and I really want to hear about your feelings so it doesn’t become a big deal.” (Be sure to use a non-confrontational approach when you bring up the subject, so that your partner doesn’t feel attacked.)
Now sit back and listen. Don’t interrupt, don’t attack and don’t defend.
***
So what happened? What did your partner share with you? That s/he is definitely still interested in sex with you, but something might be getting in the way? That lately, the timing just hasn’t been right? That you’ve started kissing differently—or your appearance has changed—and it’s not a turn-on? That s/he feels you’re hostile or angry? You get the idea. There could be any number of factors getting in the way.
After you get over your initial shock or hurt, now is the time to delve a little deeper for more specific information—without being defensive. This may be the most difficult part, but be courageous and hang in there with it (this can be way hard, I know). Let’s say, for instance, that one of the things you’ve just heard about is how you kiss him/her. Here’s an example of the sort of things you could say (you can use your own words):
“Wow. I hadn’t realized my kissing style had changed—or that it was bothering you. It would help me to know more about how you would like me to kiss you, so I can give it a try. Maybe that’d even be fun, too.”
OK, maybe your partner’s issue isn’t about how you kiss, but you get the picture: nothing in the above suggests defensiveness or upset. In fact, you’re being totally cooperative and curious about what your partner wants. How can s/he resist answering you? Of course, I say that knowing that I can’t actually predict how your partner will react because there are so many variables. Maybe s/he is really angry/hurt about something else and has just seized upon kissing as the tip of the iceberg. If so, I see a lot more talking to in your future.
“Dr. J, this is SOOOO hard,” you say. But if your relationship is worth it, you’ve got to invest the time and energy, and maybe risk some potential discomfort or awkwardness, etc. As I’ve said, good sex needs some fuel–and oxygen–to keep that spark alive. No couples that I know of just manage to have sex remain magically the same as it was when they first were together, at least not without making some adjustments and having some honest communication along the way. But lots of couples do manage to keep their sex lives fun, hot and interesting—with a little help from both parties.
I’d love to hear from you about how you would—or have—resolved such situations. As always, the doctor is in and welcomes your comments and questions.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
Frequency Discrepancies: Part 2, in which Our Mr. Wonderful/SuperWoman v 2.1 Love Story Comes to a Resolution
"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.”
Groucho MarxWelcome! If you’re new to this blog, please read last week’s post for the first part of this story—or better yet, start at the introduction in the August archives to the right and then read forward to catch up.
If Mr. Wonderful and SuperWoman v 2.1 came to me with their issues, here’s what we’d do:
Suppose Mr. Wonderful were actually able to open up and tell SuperWoman that he’s feeling neglected? The first step seems so easy, yet sometimes it’s still the hardest thing to do. Of course Mr. W would reiterate that he loves SW passionately; then he’d also tell her, firmly, that her sexual attentions aren’t just about fulfilling his pleasure, but they also represent a sense of intimacy and provide an important connection to him. (Of course, this is an insight he would gain during the therapeutic process.) He’d also tell her that he’d like her to make some effort at improving her appearance. I would encourage him to say that he doesn’t expect her to look like a model, but he would like to see her in something other than an old t-shirt.
While Mr. W is expressing his feelings, SW v 2.1 might become defensive—she might even feel hurt. Mr. W would be encouraged to remind her that he truly loves her and wants her, and that’s precisely why he’s sharing these feelings—because he cares so deeply.
When it’s her turn, I would ask her to tell him that she also loves him passionately, as always, but now they have two other loves in their life, and some adjustment is needed to figure out just how to get everyone their share of attention. I would encourage her to ask him for his ideas and feedback on this—in other words, what can we both do to make this work? It’s always more effective if problem-solving can be shared by both people. SW also needs to share that for many hours in her busy child-centered day, she just doesn’t have the opportunity to develop sexual desires. At this point, I would ask her what she thinks would help to bring those desires back. She might then share any number of things Mr. W could do that would help to remind her that he still loves and wants her. After this, I would suggest they reconnect with each other—but not for sex. Not yet. First, they need to relearn how to touch each other. I would give them a series of sensual touch exercises to experiment with. This is a crucial first step at reconnecting and rejuvenating their sexual desires. For this, they need some alone time. Perhaps a neighbor or a babysitter could take the kids for a couple of hours.
After they’ve reconnected and processed their feelings about touching, I might suggest they get away for a romantic weekend alone—without the kids. I’d encourage them to shop for some sexy things for her (leather, lace, feathers?), as well as some sensual things for them to experiment with (sex toys, oils, scents, etc.)
Once they’ve reconnected, they’ll need to negotiate the parameters of their sexual relationship within the context of parenting two small children.
Mr. W needs a slight attitude adjustment—or even just a bit of flexibility—in order to move out of that narrow sexual space he’s boxed himself into. Sex isn’t always going to be when he wants it—or as often as he wants it. But it can still be wonderful—just different than before. Flexibility is often the key to having a great sex life within a relationship. Believe me: Once he’s having sex with her again, he’ll begin to see the benefits of being flexible!
Once SW begins to realize that he still wants her and that she can be both sexual and a mother, she may regain some of that old energy. The key for her is that she needs to feel supported, loved and desired. There also needs to be some negotiation around how much time she spends with the kids. I would suspect some sort of part-time nanny care would also contribute greatly to her energy level. Lastly, and most importantly, they need to make a commitment to having dates—special times just for them, without the kids. The busier we are, the more we need to focus on setting aside special time to connect with our partner. Remember that a sexual relationship needs lots of care and attention to keep that flame burning brightly.
Next week, we’ll revisit our imaginary dialogue from the last post, in which you and your partner talk about your desire to have sex more frequently (and you’re going to get it!)
As always, the doctor is in and welcomes your comments and questions.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
Desire Discrepancies, Part 1: “We Never Have Sex Any More!”
“Life without sex might be safer but it would be unbearably dull.”
H. L. Mencken, American humoristThere’s a scene from a movie in which there’s a split screen, showing each member of a couple, separately, at their therapist, answering a question regarding how often they have sex. He says: “Hardly ever! Three times a week.” She says: “All the time! Three times a week.”
Inevitably, some of us discover we have different sexual needs than our partner. This is the most common concern among busy, high-achieving professionals who have the expectation that they can simply turn on a “sexual switch” at the end of a 12-hour day and have everything work just like it did when they were dating! Other contributing factors include a discomfort regarding sex, fear, and our old friend—relationship conflict. Let’s revisit the most common factor related to partners desiring different sexual frequencies and illustrate it with the following imaginary dialogue:
A Love Story Featuring Mr. Wonderful and SuperWoman v 2.1
Mr. Wonderful: We met in the Marketing Department of a big deal high tech firm. We worked long hours, but afterwards we’d go home, have a glass of wine and hump like rabbits for hours. After the first couple of years, we weren’t doing it as much, but we still continued to have a great sex life.
Then, four years ago, little Josh came along, followed two years later by Brittany. She decided to stay home and take care of the kids, and she still does some consulting from home. I’m fine with being the major financial support for us, but now she always seems to be tired, and she’s definitely let herself go.
I know childbirth is hard on a woman’s body, but I’ve seen lots of women on TV who have kids and still manage to look great! She never even bothers to dress nice any more—just sits around the house wearing old t-shirts and jeans. Now, don’t get me wrong, I love my wife, but I really miss my girlfriend! And she always seems to have a reason why we can’t have sex: she’s too tired, or the kids will hear us, or she’s just not “in the mood.” I’m fed up with it and getting very lonely. Meanwhile, those online hotties are looking better and better every day.
SuperWoman v 2.1: Yes, it’s true. We had great sex in the beginning, and I had lots of energy. But the stress of those long hours did begin to wear me down, and I realized I wanted to have a nice home for us, so I began telecommuting more and more. After a couple of years, sex was still fun, but it started to become routine. It didn’t help that I also felt I had to always be sexually “on” for him and I guess I began to resent that. Then, after the kids came, everything changed for me. I mean, nobody can take care of their babies’ needs and those of their husband, too. It’s just too much for one person. He only has one job, and I have seven: nanny, cook, housekeeper, chauffeur, companion, therapist and sex partner. No wonder I’m so tired! All I’m asking for is not to feel like I have to have sex just to keep him happy. Maybe if he’d back off a little, I’d get a chance to actually want it. But instead, he’s always pushing it, and then I just get resentful and pull away.
What’s happening here?
Differing needs.
Mr. Wonderful is under the double influence of cultural expectations and testosterone (what many women half-jokingly refer to as “deadly testosterone poisoning”). Sex is a priority for him, because not only does it make him feel good, but it’s the only time he lets himself relax and become intimate with his partner. That puts a lot of pressure on sex, because it’s not only providing pleasure, but also carrying the lion’s share of intimacy. His other friendships tend to revolve around work, sports or other achievement-oriented activities, leaving sex as the only time he allows himself to have feelings. Plus, he’s also been programmed by our culture to believe that women are only sexy when they look like Victoria’s Secret models.
SuperWoman v 2.1 has fallen into the Baby Trap, but to be fair it’s both an instinctual and a cultural imperative that her children are her priority. However, having two kids in four years hasn’t only taken a toll on her body, and spirit, but also on her desire. She desperately needs some recuperative time to figure out how to integrate her new identity as a mom with being a sexual being. In addition, she never realized that if she didn’t look the way she did in her single days, he wouldn’t consider her attractive.
This story is by no means confined to woman/man couples; in fact, these issues arise just as frequently among same-sex couples as well, particularly when one partner stays home and the other goes out to a job. This situation can also arise for couples when one person’s relationship expectations aren’t being met; thus, sex can become the balm that’s expected to salve all other problems. Or maybe sex just isn’t a priority for one partner—at least not in a long-term relationship. Remember that for some of us, once sex becomes regular and familiar, it can lose its sizzle. And let’s face it; sometimes turn-ons are temporary, or situational. Ever find yourself totally obsessed by someone, only to become bored once you got to know them? It happens. Maybe sex was what attracted you, but now it’s no longer the glue holding together the relationship.
Here’s another scenario that’s the result of both cultural and biological differences between women and men: When you men wake up (mostly in the morning), what’s usually the first thing you notice? That’s right, an erection! And morning wood feels so good that you’d like to do something with it. If your partner is a woman, she may have a whole different sexual script—one that definitely doesn’t involve sex while she feels frumpy and unattractive. She hasn’t even brushed her teeth yet, and he wants to play! Doesn’t he know by now that she has a whole regimen to take care of before she can feel sexy? That reminds me of a great song: “Boys Like (Sex in the Morning)” Check it out.
Can we assume that a male couple might both want sex in the morning, whereas a female couple would avoid it? Who knows? (I wonder if anyone has interviewed same sex couples about their morning sex preferences?)
As always, communication and negotiation skills are needed – and just what the Doctor ordered. If you want sex more frequently than your partner does—or at a different time, talk about it. But make an effort not to sound like you’re nagging or whining. Think how you can present the subject in a positive way, as an opportunity for both of you not only to work on problem-solving together, but to also take the time to learn something new about each other. It might go something like this:
The fire is lit, the wine is poured, the lights are low, and you say: “You look so great. I’m so turned on by you. How do you do it?” (Always start with a compliment.) Then you say: “I’ve been noticing that sometimes when I want sex, you’re not interested. I don’t want anything to get in the way of our happiness, so I wanted to hear about your feelings so it doesn’t become a big deal.” (Bring it up in a non-confrontational manner so that your partner doesn’t feel attacked.)
Now sit back and listen. Don’t interrupt, don’t attack and don’t defend.
Next Week: Part 2 of the dialogue: Your partner’s response and where to go from there. AND: Part 2, in which our Mr. Wonderful/SuperWoman v 2.1 Love Story resolves itself.
As always, the doctor is in and welcomes your comments and questions.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
