Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Frequency Discrepancies: Part 2, in which Our Mr. Wonderful/SuperWoman v 2.1 Love Story Comes to a Resolution

"Politics doesn't make strange bedfellows, marriage does.”
Groucho Marx


Welcome! If you’re new to this blog, please read last week’s post for the first part of this story—or better yet, start at the introduction in the August archives to the right and then read forward to catch up.

If Mr. Wonderful and SuperWoman v 2.1 came to me with their issues, here’s what we’d do:

Suppose Mr. Wonderful were actually able to open up and tell SuperWoman that he’s feeling neglected? The first step seems so easy, yet sometimes it’s still the hardest thing to do. Of course Mr. W would reiterate that he loves SW passionately; then he’d also tell her, firmly, that her sexual attentions aren’t just about fulfilling his pleasure, but they also represent a sense of intimacy and provide an important connection to him. (Of course, this is an insight he would gain during the therapeutic process.) He’d also tell her that he’d like her to make some effort at improving her appearance. I would encourage him to say that he doesn’t expect her to look like a model, but he would like to see her in something other than an old t-shirt.

While Mr. W is expressing his feelings, SW v 2.1 might become defensive—she might even feel hurt. Mr. W would be encouraged to remind her that he truly loves her and wants her, and that’s precisely why he’s sharing these feelings—because he cares so deeply.

When it’s her turn, I would ask her to tell him that she also loves him passionately, as always, but now they have two other loves in their life, and some adjustment is needed to figure out just how to get everyone their share of attention. I would encourage her to ask him for his ideas and feedback on this—in other words, what can we both do to make this work? It’s always more effective if problem-solving can be shared by both people. SW also needs to share that for many hours in her busy child-centered day, she just doesn’t have the opportunity to develop sexual desires. At this point, I would ask her what she thinks would help to bring those desires back. She might then share any number of things Mr. W could do that would help to remind her that he still loves and wants her. After this, I would suggest they reconnect with each other—but not for sex. Not yet. First, they need to relearn how to touch each other. I would give them a series of sensual touch exercises to experiment with. This is a crucial first step at reconnecting and rejuvenating their sexual desires. For this, they need some alone time. Perhaps a neighbor or a babysitter could take the kids for a couple of hours.

After they’ve reconnected and processed their feelings about touching, I might suggest they get away for a romantic weekend alone—without the kids. I’d encourage them to shop for some sexy things for her (leather, lace, feathers?), as well as some sensual things for them to experiment with (sex toys, oils, scents, etc.)

Once they’ve reconnected, they’ll need to negotiate the parameters of their sexual relationship within the context of parenting two small children.

Mr. W needs a slight attitude adjustment—or even just a bit of flexibility—in order to move out of that narrow sexual space he’s boxed himself into. Sex isn’t always going to be when he wants it—or as often as he wants it. But it can still be wonderful—just different than before. Flexibility is often the key to having a great sex life within a relationship. Believe me: Once he’s having sex with her again, he’ll begin to see the benefits of being flexible!

Once SW begins to realize that he still wants her and that she can be both sexual and a mother, she may regain some of that old energy. The key for her is that she needs to feel supported, loved and desired. There also needs to be some negotiation around how much time she spends with the kids. I would suspect some sort of part-time nanny care would also contribute greatly to her energy level. Lastly, and most importantly, they need to make a commitment to having dates—special times just for them, without the kids. The busier we are, the more we need to focus on setting aside special time to connect with our partner. Remember that a sexual relationship needs lots of care and attention to keep that flame burning brightly.

Next week, we’ll revisit our imaginary dialogue from the last post, in which you and your partner talk about your desire to have sex more frequently (and you’re going to get it!)

As always, the doctor is in and welcomes your comments and questions.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

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