Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Tuesday, August 12, 2008

It Aint Over Til It’s Over

“Sex with love is the greatest thing in life.
But sex without love -- that’s not so bad either.”

Mae West


For those of you playing along at home, we’ve been discussing our socio-sexual response—more simply put, that means how we each respond socially, emotionally—and let’s most certainly not forget physically—to the things that we each in our own individual way respond to as sexual stimuli. We’ve discussed the process of decision-making (“What are my options? Do I really WANT to dress up in a bunny suit for this guy?”) and negotiation (“Let’s do 68. You go down on me, and I’ll owe you one”).

So, What’s Next?

The final part of the process comes into the picture AFTER you’ve been sexual—and that can mean either being sexual with yourself or with someone else (for instance, that faboo new person you met at the laundromat). In the “sex for one” scenario, your choices may be fairly easy (tomorrow, same time?), but sex with a new person—that can be waaay problematic.

Suppose she starts getting all clingy and lovey-dovey? Perhaps, Goddess forbid, she says she wants to cook dinner for you? What does THAT mean? Or worse, suppose he just ASSUMES that he’ll be spending the night? Damn!

At The Tone, the Time Will Be

Alternatively, what if he just gets up, puts on his clothes and says: “See ya.” Will you be devastated? And just how many of your girlfriends can you call for support at 2 in the morning?


Sound familiar? This is probably where most of us seem to get stuck. Nobody taught us what our options are when it comes to what we can do or say, and most of us wind up making lots of really dumb assumptions about what’s going to happen AFTER we’re sexual with someone. Of course, lots of women are raised with that hackneyed old script that says sex equals love equals forever, etc., which is precisely why so many men actually DO just throw on their clothes while running for the door. And looking at it from the other side, many men ARE socialized to seek out sex without any of those icky inconvenient feelings like affection.

The East German Judge Gives It a 5.5

No one can predict what will happen after you have sex. The important thing is not to have any heavy expectations; and when it comes to the dismount, go for a clean and caring ending. But what does that mean, Dr. J? It involves acknowledging that you had fun and being OK with leaving it at that. This allows both of you to reflect on the experience at your own leisure and decide whether you want to follow up with more of the same—or not. Believe it or not, a simple: “That was great. Enjoy the rest of your evening” or “I really enjoyed that. Let’s do it again sometime” will be more than enough.

Or if you REALLY want to be brave, take care of this BEFORE you actually have sex with someone new. “Let’s have sex, just for fun—no expectations of a relationship, OK?” Imagine how saying something like that could relieve all that unnecessary pressure!

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Go back and re-read the last few posts and see if you can identify the various elements of the Socio-Sexual Response Cycle. Maybe you can already see where you can use some more practice. If it helps, you can always role play in front of a mirror. That’s a good way to get over any discomfort you may feel about what you’d like to say to a potential partner. Go ahead, say it over and over to that very friendly, non-threatening mirror: “Let’s have sex just for fun. Nothing else.”

Whither next? Tune in next week to find out.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J
P.S. Dr. J is now the sex expert on medhelp.org, where I’m answering questions about sex, relationships, erection concerns and all those other fun topics! Check in and check me out, just for fun–no expectations of a relationship, OK?:

http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/119
http://www.medhelp.org/forums/show/277

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