R-E-S-P-E-C-T: Walk the Walk; Talk the Talk

“If you want to be respected, you must respect yourself”
Spanish Proverb

Can We Talk?

Readers send me the occasional email asking why I don’t publicly support a particular candidate, social policy, or political agenda. If I wrote about that here, I’d just be sharing my unsubstantiated personal opinion with you, and you’d either applaud me for parroting your beliefs, or stop reading this blog because I have a different opinion than you.

The truth is that I honor everyone’s opinions and beliefs, but this blog isn’t about beliefs; watch TV; and you’ll find beliefs all over the place. But here is where we discuss facts based on sexological research.

Break It Down

What’s the difference between a belief and a fact? That’s simple: You can have a belief that the earth is flat; but once you see it from space, that belief will be replaced by the demonstrable fact that the earth is round, right? We believe many things that aren’t true because our parents taught them to us, or they make us feel better—even if they’re contradicted by facts.

And our attitudes are often based on our beliefs, rather than on facts.

This Just In

Here’s a little test: What’s your reaction to these headlines?

Transsexual Charged in Bank Robbery
Stripper Admits Money Laundering
Massage Parlor Manager Arrested for Child Abuse

Is your initial response: “Yeah, those transsexuals/strippers/massage parlor managers can’t be trusted.” If you thought that, your reaction may be the result of an attitude that anything having to do with sex is somehow distrustful at best and distasteful at worst. And surprisingly, you might not even realize those feelings are even lurking there deep inside you! Don’t worry; happens to all of us. What’s important is that we recognize those little devils inside of each of us before they can cause any more trouble.

Amazing But True

My father respects and admires me. However, when I was growing up, whenever a woman driver did something that annoyed him, he’d say: “Damn women drivers! They shouldn’t let them on the road!” Then, one day when I had grown up and we were in the car together, he started to complain about women drivers, and I said: “Dad. I’m a woman!” It was actually funny to see the look on his face. Fortunately, he’s a fast learner, and would you believe he never made a crack about women again?

To be fair, his attitude was based on growing up during a time when it was believed that women weren’t as smart or as competent as men. Once it was pointed out to him that his daughter—who he admired and respected—was a woman, he realized his error. Facts won out over belief.

So what’s this got to do with respect? Here’s the message: Respect others’ sexuality and value it the same as your own. If you change your attitude, your behavior towards others will probably change too. And I guarantee you’ll be much happier for it—just in time for the holidays!

I’m just sayin’.

Back next week for more fun and games.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

A Happy, Healthy Thanksgiving to All

"Be glad of life because it gives you the chance to love and to work and to play and to look up at the stars."
Henry van Dyke, late 19th-early 20th century American author and educator

Last year, I wrote the following:

The holidays are upon us, and whatever you celebrate, you’re likely to be inundated with food, drink, shopping and stress. On a happy note, here are a few holiday ideas not just for surviving, but thriving:

· Holiday Parties: A friend of mine suggests that you remember not to act like a complete ass when you bump into an ex or that you overcome your innate shyness and talk to that special someone you’ve been wanting to get to know better (what a great holiday gift to yourself!).

· When you’re feeling stressed: Breathe. Smile. Have an orgasm.

· And for those of you who have aaaaaall your issues handled, here’s a reminder to play safe and play smart.

This Year’s List

This year, I’m particularly thankful for:

- Al Gore. He just gets it.
- John Lennon: In my life, I’ll love you more.
- Roy Jacuzzi, inventor of—guess what? The Jacuzzi!
- Gavin Newsome, San Francisco’s innovative mayor. Slick, yes; but also soulful and very creative.
- Heather Corinna, founder of http://www.scarleteen.com/, accurate, non-judgmental sex information for young people.
- My students—both graduate and undergraduate—who keep me honest and on my game
- And finally, #9 and Maestro Jim for all their inspiration and help in producing this blog.

Back next week for more fun and games.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Gobble, Gobble…

“Everything you can imagine is real.”
Pablo Picasso

Sorry I fell off the grid last week. I’ll just say two words in my own defense: “Killer” and “Flu” (the gift no one wants to unwrap). But now I’m back; and though I might not be ready to party like a rock star, I sure am ready to talk sex (so what else is new?).

The Main Course

So what’s on the menu for this week? Three guesses and the first two don’t count. Survey says: Thanksgiving. That’s right, and for all of us living in the USA, it’s coming up next week. With that in mind, I’d love to hear about any interesting Thanksgiving traditions you’d care to share. No, I’m not talking about the usual: picking a fight with your obnoxious cousin, overeating or even falling asleep in front of the TV. I’m talkin’ S-E-X!

Let’s Talk Turkey

I know Thanksgiving’s kind of an asexual holiday, what with all those Pilgrims (and speaking of Pilgrims, can somebody tell me what was up with all those buckles?) and stuffing your face and listening to your uncle tell the same lame jokes. For most of you, Thanksgiving is about spending time with your family. And face it, nobody thinks about sex with their family around! Ewww!

Stuffing, Anyone?

Well I’m suggesting that we put “sex” into Thanksgiving. (Can you say “Sexsgiving”?) Try thinking happy, sexy thoughts on the third Thursday of November, and maybe, just maybe you won’t end up feeling like an overstuffed 10-year-old.

I Hope You Left Room for Dessert!

Here’s a really radical suggestion: try thinking about someone in your family as a sexual being. I don’t mean think of them as a sexual partner for you, per se—just allow that they CAN be sexual and that perhaps after everyone in the family has left and all the dishes have been washed and put away, they’ve gone upstairs with their partner, and looked into each other’s eyes with love and desire and begun to kiss…

Everything Tastes Better with Whipped Topping

Be happy for them; after all, Thanksgiving is about taking your fill.

Next Week: Dr. J’s annual Thanksgiving post.

Halfway to Paradise: Embracing Your Sexual Self

“So we are proud to reclaim the word ‘slut’ as a term of approval, even endearment. To us, a slut is a person of any gender who has the courage to lead life according to the radical proposition that sex is nice and pleasure is good for you.”
Dossie Easton and Catherine Liszt, The Ethical Slut

Our Story So Far

Last week, we explored those nagging little voices in our head that tend to undermine our sexuality. This week, let’s look at some of the things we can do to banish those negative thoughts forever by actively becoming a more positive sexual person and overcoming our deep-seated mistrust of our sexual selves.

The Medium Is Truly the Message

Step one: Turn off the TV! The images it bombards us with about so-called ideal body types are precisely what make us feel inadequate. And don’t forget to turn off those daytime “sob sister” talk shows—the ones with their endless parade of wives and girlfriends victimized by cheating husbands, boyfriends and lovers: “My boyfriend had sex with my sister—AND my mother!” And don’t even get me started about those people confessing their so-called “sex addictions.” All of these kinds of shows conspire to make us feel that sex isn’t just bad—it’s downright dangerous.

Get past that judgmental inner mom voice. For a real eye-opener, check out My Mother Myself by Nancy Friday and let Nancy help you explore aspects of your mom that you value and want to keep; then let go of the destructive ones—those are part of what’s holding you back!

Whether we’re aware of it or not, we tend to distrust ourselves as sexual beings. A big part of that is because so much of what is directed at us is either overtly or subtly meant to sabotage our positive feelings about sex. Think about it: What grabs the headlines more luridly than stories about sexual kidnappings and rapes? If we were to believe the popular media, all of us are at the highest possible threat level from something horrible having to do with sex. If we’re not being kidnapped, we risk an abusive partner, or some new and virulent STD or…well you get the picture.

So how do we deactivate these alarming messages? We can start by realizing that the media overwhelmingly perpetuates negative images of sex because sex sells—and the fear of sex sells even more! When we’re inundated with images of women endlessly portrayed as either “victims” or “survivors,” it makes it that much harder to remain sex-positive.

Just Say No: Something that helps me deal with the constant flow of sexual negativity is to simply avoid those negative messages. I make a point not to watch them, not to read about them and not to listen to them. I refuse to consume sex-negative material, and I don’t miss it at all. In fact, it was incredibly liberating to divest myself of all that negativity.

Just Say Yes: This is something that helps many of my own students and clients: Develop a mantra and repeat it to yourself each day when you wake up: “I am a sexual woman, and it’s a good thing!” You may need to say this to yourself every day for months, but, eventually, you’ll wake up one day and find that you actually believe it. And once you do, you will no longer allow anyone to undermine your own positive feelings about your sexual self. You won’t be bothered by jokes about “sluts” or “whores,” and even wisecracks about your weight or how you dress will have lost their power to hurt you!

Seriously, why should anyone settle for anything less in their life?

In closing, here’s a word to the guys: If you love women, you can help by becoming more aware of these issues and joining us in rejecting anything that may diminish sexual self-esteem.

Open for business, 24 hours a day.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J