Help for Shy Boys, Part IV: Where ARE You? Hooking Up
“Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle behind lotteries, dating, and religion.”
Scott Adams, Humorist
***Note: This four-part series is intended to help men who want to meet women, which is generally more difficult for men because there’s usually the expectation that they’ll make the first move, etc. However, this information may be equally helpful to women. If you haven’t read the first two parts, drop down to Part I and read forward. Of course, if you’re a new reader, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from last August and read forward from there.***
“Dr. J, I just can’t seem to meet any women!” If I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard that, I’d be writing this from my private island. So maybe your problem isn’t meeting women, it’s finding that someone special with whom you are simpatico—you know: a woman who likes doing some of the things you like to do, who brings some of her own perspective to the relationship, who has a sense of humor, but won’t laugh at the way you dance. Maybe she likes to ride motorbikes—or is at least willing to try—or maybe, like you, she’s into taking those ever-popular long walks on the beach. So where is she?
I’ll Drink to That!
Depending on where you usually go to meet people, you’re likely to meet someone who generally fits the demographic particular to that location. For instance, if you’re interested in meeting bowlers, go bowling. Interested in art? Go to a museum. Interested in sports? Go to a ball game. This is generally, but not always true. So, if you go to bars to meet people, then the people you’ll meet are usually into drinking. Sure, that doesn’t mean that’s ALL they do, but it’s probably an important part of their social life. Of course, that won’t stop you from complaining that you only meet one sort of person at bars. Well duh! Just don’t expect to hang out at a museum and meet lots of women who hate art.
OK, how about if we kick things up a notch? Let’s say you want to meet a particularly sophisticated group of people. What should you do? Try joining a wine tasting group, or one involved in art appreciation. Or maybe you play an instrument or sing. How about joining a community music group? Is a pattern emerging here? Ask yourself what it is that you like to do. Then think about where you’d be most likely to find other people who share that same interest. It’s only rocket science if rocket science is what you happen to be into.
Tennis Anyone?
There are also clubs for people to explore their hobbies, like tennis or skiing. Another really great way to meet some fabulous people is to volunteer. You can help clean up hiking trails, plan a political fundraiser or tutor kids. This list is endless, and you’re sure to meet lots of like-minded women – and also experience a warm fuzzy because you’ve helped your community. It’s all good, and this just in from your community: Thank you.
No, Really?
One of the major complaints I hear is about people misrepresenting themselves online. Unfortunately it’s a given that you’ll find some 50-year-old guys pretending to be 18-year-old blonde goddesses, so learn to be smart and don’t put too much credence into what someone initially tells you about themselves. Many of the women I know who have tried the online dating route have found it wanting. Of course, there are a few who have experienced exciting new adventures, but they’re definitely outnumbered by those who have met men pretending to be something they’re not. This brings us to the main drawback of online sites: by their nature, they are extremely shallow, so it’s no surprise that they generally attract like-minded people: the woman who’s only interested in the size of someone’s wallet, or the guy who will only talk to a 20-year-old redhead with size 44 breasts. So unless you too are looking for a one-trick pony, you might want to focus your search elsewhere. Who knows, you might just broaden your mind, too.
Kids, it’s a three-day weekend, and I’m outta here. As always, your comments and questions are welcome. I’d really like to hear your ideas for meeting people. What’s been successful for you? What hasn’t worked? The sharing lamp is lit.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
Help for Shy Boys, Part III: Talking the Talk and Walking the Walk
“Drawing on my fine command of language, I said nothing.”
Robert Benchley
***Note: This four-part series is intended to help men who want to meet women, which is generally more difficult for men because there’s usually the expectation that they’ll make the first move, etc. However, this information may be equally helpful to women. If you haven’t read the first two parts, drop down to Part I and read forward. Of course, if you’re a new reader, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from last August and read forward from there.***
In the previous two weeks we’ve discussed your first steps to overcoming shyness and the importance of appearance. This week, we’re going to cover the basics of talking and listening to a person you’ve just met. Before you run screaming from the room, I promise you this will be fun, albeit challenging.
You’ve probably noticed the huge amount of books for women who want to take charge of their lives and, conversely, very few directed at men. Why? Because you’re supposed to give the impression of being in control of your life, even if you’re often not getting what you want. Here’s what sexologist and author Bernie Zilbergeld has to say about this issue:
“We don’t have to be at the mercy of the traditional sex roles we were brought up on. We don’t have to forgo the incredible joys and benefits of truly loving relationships. We don’t have to put up with boring, joyless or dysfunctional sex. We can develop personal styles, relationships, and sexual patterns that more closely fit our own values, preferences, and interests—that more closely fit our human selves.”
That’s a powerful statement coming from a powerful man. That is, a man who is comfortable in his skin, being who he is, nothing more, nothing less.
Although you may be shy and have had limited experience with women, this could actually be an advantage for you, because you haven’t made all those macho mistakes. You’re part of a new generation of men that wants to be more than just a high-achieving wallet, right?
Becoming a Good Listener (Huh?)
How many times have you been with someone who barely allows you to finish your thought before they interrupt and run away with the conversation? You: “I found the perfect car to lease…” Friend: “Cars! Don’t get me started! I’ve been looking at hybrid SUVs for months. Just yesterday, I saw this great…” And on and on. Your thoughts and feelings clearly don’t interest your friend; you’re merely an audience. To be fair, some people also interrupt and hijack the conversation because they’re anxious to entertain, impress, etc. Don’t be that person.
The best way to begin any new friendship or relationship is to be a good listener. This takes time and effort, but the payoff is well worth it. How to practice? Make it a point to really listen for a few minutes whenever you get the opportunity: with a friend, a client, a student, etc.
Once you’ve learned how to listen, you’ll be amazed at how much fun it is. You’ll learn lots—not just about the other person, but about yourself—if you think about what’s being said before you react.
I Feel Your Pain
A man with empathy is always well-liked. Most women want not only to be listened to, but to be heard, or empathized with. In other words, you can relate to her feelings because you understand them. And the more you understand, the better your listening skills and communication.
You’re having a drink after work, and you see a woman sitting at the bar looking rather frazzled. Here’s how you might initiate an empathetic conversation:
You: “Hard day?”
Her: “You don’t know the half of it!”
You: “Mmm. Sounds bad. So what started it off?”
It’s often helpful to rehearse conversations. Ask a friend to help you role play those uncomfortable situations you sometimes find yourself in. You know—the ones where you try to strike up a conversation, but instead almost swallow your tongue.
For more suggestions on how to talk with someone, see my three posts on communication beginning on January 4.
Are Your “Wingmen” Shooting You Down?
When you go out with friends, do you sometimes feel you’re trapped in a bad beer commercial? Are you hanging out with guys who undermine you by their tacky behavior? You know the type: trying to impress each other by bragging loudly about the women they’ve had sex with, or engaging in belching contests. Yuck! Now that’s REALLY attractive. Single men often socialize in groups of three or more. Danger: you’re probably reinforcing each other’s worst qualities! Very often, a woman will remark: “I think I might like to meet him, but he’s always with those two losers.” ‘Nuff said.
As you think about the issues raised here, try to figure out which is the most difficult for you. What’s holding you back? (“Um. The fact that as soon as I open my mouth, I know I’ll say something stupid.”) OK. Say something stupid to your mirror, over and over again. Got that out of your system? Good. And guess what? Sometimes, saying dumb stuff can be cute!
“Hi. I’m Sandy“
“Artichoke“
“What?“
“I mean Art. I’m Art.“
Don’t be embarrassed. Just go with it and smile ruefully. Hopefully, she’ll think you’re so interested in her that you’re at a loss for words.
Once you’ve become comfortable with talking/listening, the next step is trotting out your new skills in public and meeting people. That’s where next week’s post comes in. Stay tuned for Part 4: Where ARE You? Hooking Up
As always, the Doc. is in for your questions and comments.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
Help for Shy Boys, Part II: Clothes DO Make the Man
“Why doesn't she like me? Is it my hair, my overbite, the fact that I've worn the same shirt and shorts for the last four years?”
Bart Simpson
***New readers: Here’s a note about how to get the most out of this blog. As regular readers can attest, you might find it a bit different from others you’ve read because my intention is to be both entertaining and educational. Each new post is based on information presented in the previous one; so to get the maximum benefit, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from last August and read forward from there.***
Shy Guys Are My Guys
Psst! Hey you! Yes, you—the one sitting in the corner hoping no one will notice you, but also desperately clinging to the fantasy that someone will.
Did you ever play this word game when you were little?
Where are you?
I’m hiding
Where are you?
I’m hiding
When I find you, I’m going to kiss you!
I’m hiding in the closet
Lots of women find you shy guys incredibly attractive, but we never get the chance to show it because you won’t come out of that closet so we can find you (and kiss you!).
Last week we discussed your first steps to overcoming shyness. This week, we’re going to talk about the importance of appearance.
Shy Guy + Sloppy Guy = Lonely Guy
You’re fun to be with, smart as a whip, and have a wicked sense of humor. And you’re also shy. I would never suggest that looks are your most valuable asset. However, dressing well not only does wonders for your appearance, but it also provides you with that necessary boost to your self-confidence.
50 years ago, men were expected to earn money and achieve, while women were expected to be attractive and nurturing. Both women and men have made great strides in breaking out of these stereotypes; but many American men still look like slobs, and they basically ignore their appearance. In Europe, men have always been fashion-conscious; in fact, many would never even consider wearing last year’s style! American men, however, have only just begun to pay attention to fashion. Repeat after me: Flip-flops and untucked shirts are OK at a resort, but not at an uptown cocktail lounge.
What’s My Style?
Remember there’s no one-size-fits-all when it comes to style. Whether you’re a casual, athletic type or the classic Ivy Leaguer, there are great clothes for you. And style doesn’t need to be expensive. Here are some shopping ideas:
· For the young and young at heart, if you haven’t already discovered Target (“Tarzhay”), get yourself over to this great store, which stocks stylish clothes at very reasonable prices for the young and young at heart.
· For those who are a bit more traditional, Macy’s always has a sale, and you can find just about any style in their men’s department.
· If you’re lucky enough that cost doesn’t matter and you’re looking for classic, very upscale clothes, Nordstrom is your answer. All the great designers live here.
If you aren’t sure about your style or what looks good on you, both Macy’s and Nordstrom feature personal shoppers (at no cost) who will help you decide on a look (or looks) and guide you through all your choices.
Well, there you have it. Looking good affects your attitude, which makes you look and feel even better. And so on. Try it!
But remember, no matter what your appearance, I want to assure all of you that you’re just fine. Please believe that. Remember the mantra here at Dr. J’s: We’re all different, and that's OK. You are unique and wonderful, whether you’re short, tall, muscular, wiry or none of the above. And there are some great clothes out there just waiting for you to give them a home.
Stay tuned next week for Part 3: Talking the Talk and Walking the Walk
As always, the Doc. is in for your questions and comments.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
It’s Been a Long Time Coming: Help for Shy Boys
“I'm too shy to express my sexual needs except over the phone to people I don't know.”
Garry Shandling
***New readers: Here’s a note about how to get the most out of this blog. As regular readers can attest, you might find it a bit different from others you’ve read because my intention is to be both entertaining and educational. Each new post is based on information presented in the previous one; so to get the maximum benefit, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from last August and read forward from there.***
“Drive Her Wild in Bed!”
“Sex Tips from Hot Girls!”
“Find Your Inner Stud!”
Sound familiar? You can find these articles in most male-oriented magazines. If you were a Martian, and based on your understanding of humans on these titles, you’d think that all men were performance-obsessed maniacs. Many men get the message that if they’re not highly sexually aggressive (“Woooo, mama! Over here!”), they’re unattractive, the result of which is that many haven’t yet had their first sexual experience with another simply because they lack confidence. I’ve talked to many guys who tell me they feel unattractive, clumsy, etc. and don’t know what to do.
For some, they may even be unaware of just who they’re attracted to—men, women or …? Let me tell you, realizing you’re bisexual, pansexual or try-sexual (“I’ll try anything once”) can be traumatic. Some guys remain asexual for years just coming to terms with this issue.
But the most common situation involves guys who are attracted to—but afraid of—women. “Dr. J: how do I get women to notice me?” “How do I talk to them without sounding stupid?” “How can I be more attractive?” “Just what are women looking for in a man?”
First, I want to assure all of you that you’re just fine. Please believe that. Remember the mantra here at Dr. J’s: We’re all different, and that's OK. You are unique and wonderful, whether you’re shy, outgoing, suave, scared, whatever. Now you may have a few things you’d like to work on to be an even more Incredible You, and that’s where I come in.
News Flash: I’m going to share the biggest sex secret in the universe, the fullproof way to make yourself irresistible to women:
Go to most gatherings and you’ll find a guy surrounded by women of all ages—smiling, flirting, happy women. This lucky man likes women as people. That’s right! He thinks women are interesting in their own right and doesn’t see them merely as potential sex partners. In fact, he even has women friends! Gasp! Think about it: many men have sex with women, but they don’t necessarily like them. Their social time is spent with other guys, doing guy-type things. They don’t have women friends because they’re not interested.
Women gravitate to men who like them as people. We think they’re interesting and sexy, and they make us feel good! If you develop an appreciation for women separate from their sexual attractiveness, you’re on your way to becoming a great guy—and catnip to women. Of course, the first step in this process is examining your own attitudes about women. Cheer up! You’ll learn lots.
And here’s another tip: most of us are totally turned off by men who are super-aggressive, like the guy who offers to buy you a drink, then won’t take no for an answer. Yuck! Don’t be that guy.
Stay tuned next week for Part 2: Appearance does matter.
As always, the Doc. is in for your questions and comments.
With Pleasure,
Dr. J
