Happy Blogiversary!

“An inordinate passion for pleasure is the secret of remaining young.”
Oscar Wilde

I was looking at my calendar, and it occurred to me that I first began posting entries to this blog in August 2006. Let’s write this down under the heading “better late than never” and mark this auspicious occasion by doing what most people do on significant anniversaries: reflect back and look to the future.

WHY IS THIS BLOG DIFFERENT FROM ALL OTHER BLOGS?

This is where you come in: Take a look at our blog’s original objectives as I set them out last August. I’ve thoughtfully included them below (I’m all about the thoughtful):

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What’s this blog all about? Information so that you can develop your own sexuality based on facts, not myths. Everyone has concerns about sex, because we all grew up with judgments and misinformation. Each week, we’ll will cover some aspect of human sexuality. My intent is to demystify and inform. Oh, and did I mention we’ll have lots of fun? Because that’s what sex is: fun!

Cooking blogs are full of recipes for delicious food. This sex blog will give you recipes for delicious sex . That’s my wish for you: yummy sex.

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So that was our starting point. How do you like me so far? Have we reached most — or any — of our objectives?

BECAUSE TOMORROW IS ANOTHER DAY

And what about the future? What topics would you like us to explore together? I’ll start. Here are just a few of the topics I’ve received so far from you and your fellow readers:

· Shaving shapes in interesting places, piercings, etc.
· My first experience with another person; also, my first experience with a really significant other person.
· More about what men and women can learn from each other. (Don’t get me started! Or by all means do. . .)
· Exploring fetishes: leather, shoes, erotic clothing and. . .
· Role-playing and making your sexual fantasies come true with a partner
· Threesomes

But let’s not stop with just these. There are so many topics we can discuss, and I’ve got a feeling we’re only scratching the surface (mmmmm, scratch a little harder, ooooh, down and to the left).

WHAT WOULD DR. FRANK-N-FURTER SAY?

For fans of Rocky Horror Picture Show, these words will be very familiar. To the rest of you: before all those oh-so-helpful TV "therapists," there was Dr. Frank-N-Furter:

Give yourself over to absolute pleasure,
Swim the warm waters of sins of the flesh.
Erotic nightmares beyond any measure,
And sensual daydreams to treasure forever
Can't you just see it?
Don't dream it — Be it!

Seriously — jump into the deep end of the pool and tell me what exciting areas you’d like to plumb :) via the comment button below or by email: drjanice@aol.com. In the meantime, happy blogiversary everybody.

Dr. J

And while I’m in responsive mode, here’s an anonymous comment from the post below regarding sex laws:

Hey Dr J,
Love the blog, great stuff!
I've always heard there are different legal ages people can have sex, depending on the state they live in. Can you tell us some of the states with different ages of consent? Maybe I broke the law on accident too!

Thanks

Dr. J says: Great question! Yes, the age of consent varies from state to state and sometimes even from city to city. Crazy, isn’t it? These laws were originally passed to “protect” girls from exploitation; however, because they’re inconsistent, they create great confusion. For instance, you can consent to sex in Alabama at the age of 16, but must wait until 18 in California. For detailed information on each state, check out http://www.sexlaws.org, a very helpful site.

Thanks and a big Happy Blogiversary to #9 and Da Maestro

The Sex Police and You: Dumb Sex Laws and How They Affect Us

“The people's good is the highest law.”
Cicero

“The only way to get rid of a temptation is to yield to it.
Resist it, and your soul grows sick with longing
for the things it has forbidden to itself.”
Oscar Wilde

Whatever it is you’re doing right now, just stop it! That’s right; stop it right now, because I’m willing to bet even money that whatever it is, it’s illegal somewhere in the U.S.

* Are you using a vibrator in Texas? Then you may as well go directly to jail. Do not pass go, and forget about collecting $200.

* Are you having oral sex in Georgia? Your partner probably thinks it’s pretty peachy, but not if they’re in law enforcement.

* Are you sharing the joys of self-pleasuring in Connecticut? Pull over and assume the position, because you, my friend, are a sex offender.

* And here’s my personal favorite: If you and your lover/spouse are staying at a hotel in Hastings, Nebraska, you may not sleep together in the nude. And if you do have sex there, you must both be clothed. I can’t help wondering if that means you have to wear Pilgrim costumes?

Here’s the saddest one of all: A couple in the South wrote to ask me for help because a local Court is trying to take away their children. And what was their so-called “crime”? Going to a swing club. Apparently, this makes you an unfit parent.

All of us are used to the media working itself into a lather and taking great pleasure in warning us about all these horrible sex offenders who roam our streets and put not only our children, but all of us in jeopardy. Point of fact, we're ALL sex offenders, so welcome to the club. Say it loud: “I'm offensive and proud!” Now when I say this, please don't think that I'm trivializing sexual aggression or violence. But don’t these outdated laws do just that when they seem to lump the occasional swinger together with child and serial rapists into the same category? How is this fair and balanced?

“Yes, Dr. J, but how do these stupid laws affect me?” Truthfully, they probably won’t, UNLESS you’re involved in a messy divorce, or want to run for office or happen to get on the bad side of some ambitious DA who wants to be perceived as your community’s moral guardian. These are situations in which the Sex Police thrive.

Oral and anal sex between consenting adults is still illegal in 18 states, including Massachusetts, Minnesota, and Virginia (so much for Virginia being for lovers!). OMG! The Doc was just vacationing in Massachusetts! Imagine all the laws I must have broken. Oopsie!

To be fair, many of these laws are left over from the sex phobic 1800s, when sex was blamed for everything from insanity to warts (apparently things haven’t changed very much, have they?). But these 19th century laws have remained on our 21st century books because they still serve a purpose: Theory #1: They’re very handy to have around when you want to go after someone and can’t find any other ammunition to use against them; especially when you want to take someone’s kid away, discredit them, or most especially if you want to punish them and can’t find anything else that they’ve done wrong. That’s where these good old, bad old sex laws come in handy! Theory #2: Given today’s political climate, perhaps politicians don’t want to raise the issue of repealing these old laws for fear that the mere act of bringing up the subject gives the appearance of their being too interested in sex. Can’t have that now, can we?

Most people assume that “sodomy” laws are only used to persecute Gays—while this is mostly true, it’s not always the case: these laws are also used to deny custody in divorce cases (oblige hubby with a blow job, and you might lose your kid). And keep in mind that sodomy laws apply to opposite-sex couples as much as to same-sex couples.

Even if these laws only affected, for instance, left-handed Lithuanian Lesbians, all of us should still care! Why? Because as long as governments can control private sex acts between consenting adults, all of us are vulnerable. Sure, we can laugh at the antics of the Sex Police, but there’s a really scary thing happening: right this very moment, both our government and private interest groups are working hard to limit your access to contraception, to sexual information on the Net, and to sex-oriented chat rooms. They even want to prevent you from taking sexy photos of your lover. Hey, if they can get away with passing anti-sex laws, they’ll keep going until they get what they really want, and the direction they seem to be going in is to forbid sex to everyone. Why? Perhaps they feel (as many do) that it’s more fun when it’s forbidden.

So how can you safeguard your sexual freedom and keep the Sex Police from beating down your door and dragging you away in your own handcuffs? Google “sex laws” and find out what’s going on with the laws where you live. Then fire up your email machine and let your local representatives know that you’re paying attention – and that you vote.
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What's up next week? Democracy in Action: A chance to vote on future topics

With Pleasure (the kind that’s still legal in most states)

Dr. J

I’ve Heard that Australian Women Have…: Our Favorite Sex Myths

“A lie can travel half way around the world while the truth is putting on its shoes.”
Mark Twain

I was looking at a medical site the other day and came across yet another plea from a young woman who wanted help to stop self-pleasuring, which she insisted was robbing her of her “power.” Once again, in this day and age, our sexual ignorance continues to amaze.

I’ve heard so many myths and misinformation about sex—most of them funny, but many just sad like the one above. She’s convinced that if she has orgasms with herself, she won’t be able to have them with a partner, and that somehow, self-pleasuring is physically harmful to her. I suppose if we can laugh at these myths, we may finally put them to rest, so here we go: Submitted for your approval, our favorite sex myths.

Anatomy Is Destiny

This category contains some of the most egregious nonsense. Our title refers to a statement from one of my students:
· Australian women have upside-down vulvas. And, of course, we’ve all heard that Asian women have sideways vulvas, and men of certain ethnicities have larger penises, etc.
· Here’s one from young guys who are dermatological experts: semen is good for the complexion! How many teenage girls have heard that one?
· How about: if a woman has too much p-v sex, her vagina becomes “loose”? The vagina is a very flexible, “stretchy” organ; and as long as it’s kept healthy and happy, it won’t become flabby.
· Deadly Sperm Build-Up: Another one from teenage guys, who assert that if they don’t have an orgasm after getting turned on by one of you sexy teenage women, they’ll suffer from “blue balls,” a horrible condition which will cause them great pain. As you know, once a man is aroused, blood collects in his crotch, creating an erection. After orgasm, the blood redistributes itself back to the rest of the body. If there’s no orgasm, it will take a bit longer to dissipate, causing a slightly full, congested feeling. This actually happens in both women and men. It can be mildly uncomfortable, but it certainly doesn’t cause great anguish or pain (except the emotional kind!).

I Promise I’ll Pull Out

Because you can’t get someone pregnant unless you ejaculate, right? Uh. No. You know that stuff we like to call pre-come? It’s actually a secretion from your Cowper’s Gland (up near your bladder), and its purpose is to lubricate and clean out the urethra before ejaculation. And guess what? It can contain millions of sperm, left over from your last ejaculation, so pulling out before you come? Dangerous. In fact, we have a special name for people who use the “pull-out” method of birth control: parents.

If It Feels This Good, It Must Be Bad

By far, the most misinformation we get is about self-pleasuring. We’re still worried that we do it “too much.” Let’s look at that fear. It’s based on our heritage of discomfort with all things sexual and the fear that somewhere, somehow, there’s a right way and a wrong way to be sexual—and, of course, we don’t know what that is. Listen up kids: there’s NO wrong way. There’s only your way. That’s right. Whatever works for you. “But Dr. J” you say, “I think about sex all the time, and I jerk off five times a day. Isn’t that abnormal?” Not for you it isn’t. And if you never self-pleasure, that’s “normal” too. In other words, it’s what’s normal for you. And that's what counts.

Eating 20 peaches a day is “normal.” Watching 10 hours of TV is “normal.” And so on. Peaches aren’t harmful, but if you eat 20 of them, your stomach might become upset. Likewise, there’s no optimum number of hours for watching TV. The only time it might be a concern is if you’re using it to escape your daily life, and you feel dissatisfied and lonely because of it. So whatever your self-pleasuring rate is, or the number of times you think about sex daily, where’s the harm? It should only be a concern if it’s keeping you from accomplishing things. But realize that it isn’t sex per se that’s the problem. It’s that you might be using it to avoid important things in your life. You don’t blame peaches themselves if you eat so many that you throw up; you recognize that you ate more than your system could handle. However, we’re always sure that somehow, sex itself must be to blame.

Read my lips: Sex is not, in and of itself, inherently harmful. The only harm might come from trying to put too large a protuberance into too small an orifice without enough lubrication. Now that could be painful!

None of us is immune from these little bits of misinformation. We’ve all been exposed to them. So dive into the deep end of the pool, and send me your myths, questions, etc. And if I don’t know the answer, I know someone who does.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J

Eww! That’s Dirty! Our Ongoing Discomfort with Sex

“Life in Lubbock, Texas, taught me two things: One is that God loves you and you’re going to burn in hell. The other is that sex is the most awful, filthy thing on earth and you should save it for someone you love.”
Butch Hancock, Songwriter/Musician

I received the following email from a reader:

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"I watched an old TV episode that really annoyed me because it
used one of those tired old TV/movie premises about sex and pornography.
They even called it a “syndrome” and mumbled some bogus name that
sounded like “sex lag.” As portrayed on the show, a guy had become
“addicted” to pornography and as a result couldn’t “get it up” with his
girlfriend.

I think it would be a great service to people to dispel myths like this. Most people are so ill-informed about sex that they’ll believe just about anything they see in the media, especially when it’s introduced as “dirty,” “lurid” and especially “naughty.”

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Unfortunately, most of us still get our sex information from entertainment sources such as TV, movies and magazines. This just in: Sex is used to sell just about everything—and continually presenting sex as something sleazy keeps us interested, titillated and motivated to buy, buy, buy.

Am I OK, or Just Too Confused to Tell the Difference?

According to one study on sexual well-being released in May, more than half of Americans are unhappy with their sex lives. However, another survey reported that more than two out of three people are quite satisfied. So who are we to believe when it comes to sexual satisfaction? The simple answer is: no one. There’s simply not enough data regarding how sex contributes to our quality of life. Sure, you can find tons of research on what I call “the consequences of sex”: topics that people can wag their fingers at, like unwanted pregnancies, disease, etc. But where are the studies researching, for instance, sex and happiness. This should be a no-brainer!

Disease Yes; Happiness Not So Much

It’s obvious that sexual happiness actually contributes to our overall sense of satisfaction. Why can’t anyone get funding to investigate this, while there ALWAYS seems to be money available to study the relationship between violence and pornography? Because we’re still recovering from the 19th century attitude that sex should be for procreation, not pleasure, which is still perpetuated by various religious philosophies. And many of our physicians have just as much of a flat world mentality when it comes to sex. Have they helped us to understand and value our sexuality? Nope. No way. Nah. They’ll give out Viagra so the plumbing works, but please don’t make them address the underlying concerns that relate directly to your sexual well-being. Medical schools don’t even teach students how to take a sexual history, so doctors generally don’t ask sexual health questions because in addition to being ignorant, they’re too uncomfortable with the subject—hmmm, just like their patients. Because medicine has historically focused on cures for illnesses, sex is spoken of only when it presents itself as a “disease” or “disorder,” reinforcing the idea that it’s somehow harmful—even scary. Our schools are also constrained in what they can teach, but what can we expect when the current government pushes its rigid faith-based moral agenda that substitutes dogma for science?

The Big Lie

The truth is, Americans really do want to know about the pleasures of sex—numbers don’t lie; we consume huge amounts of sexual entertainment and products—we’re just not comfortable when it comes to owning the value of sex in our lives.

As long as we permit ourselves to refer to sex as “filthy,” “dirty,” and other negative terms, we’re reinforcing sexuality’s second-class status in our lives and leaving ourselves vulnerable to manipulation.

What would happen if we could find out more about the role sexual satisfaction plays in our productivity, our ability to love someone else, or our general welfare? The mind boggles. Why, we might actually get comfortable enough with the fact that we’re sexual beings and reach a stage where we can eventually integrate sex as a valued part of our existence.

Stop in and say hello any time. Open 24 hours a day.

With Pleasure,
Dr. J