Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Friday, May 23, 2008

Beyond the Hype: Sex in the Real World

“An intellectual is someone who has found something more interesting than sex.”

Our Story Thus Far…

Last week, we discussed that the popular new way of looking at sexual concerns is to treat them as simple matters of plumbing, to be tweaked, fixed and “cured,” etc. by the application of a magic pill. Of course, some sexual concerns are indeed the result of physiological factors. However, my fellow sexologists and I have found that most sexual concerns are actually related to one or more aspects of each of our individual sexual lives. These individual concerns are quite real and deserve more than just a cursory mention. So, for the next few weeks, let's discuss the common origins of many types of sexual concerns.


“I Heard That If You Just…”

If only someone would give me a dollar for every concern I hear about that is the result of inadequate information…But I digress (and there goes that dream vacation to Hawaii! Such is the price of being a professional sexologist.).

Ignorance about sex often leads to a feeling of anxiety, which then leads to more anxiety as a person strives for that mythical “correct” or “ideal” misconceived notion they have about sexuality—as though there was such a thing. And let’s not forget about the role played by cultural conflicts—those wonderful messages that stick with us even though we know intellectually that they’re untrue. We all have them, nesting somewhere between our head and heart, ready to zap us with their inherently negative imagery. You may not even remember the origin of these messages, but trust me, they stay with you. You might be like the guy who told me that he had this pervasive vision of his late grandmother looking down from on high every time he began to self-pleasure. Or the woman who heard “slut” (and not in a good way!) each time she even thought about getting up close and personal with someone (try getting turned on when that happens!). You have to ask yourself “what are my assumptions about sex, and where did they come from?” There’s lots of rich material there! You never know who you’ll find when you begin that journey: your childhood priest, your disapproving aunt, your sainted mother, your emotionally distant father…

“You Go Ahead without Me, and I’ll Catch Up…”

Another factor that can play havoc with sex is a lack of interest due to fatigue, or simply a lack of time due to family and work obligations (hello Silicon Valley worker bees!).

So you’re taking a 12-unit class load, working a part-time job and doing a little modeling on the side. Good for you! Not so good for your sex life! Did you truly expect that you could simply flip an internal switch somewhere that lets you dial down your physical fatigue and dial up your level of desire? There’s that insidious little magic pill myth again! Why, if I could just take a pill that gave me energy, desire and focus (dare I say it), I’d have it all! Actually there are pills that might accomplish some of that, not the least of which are those friendly little amphetamines. Sure, they’ll temporarily restore your “energy”—but they also come with unwanted side effects like dry mouth, sweating, tremors and a host of other things. Do you really want to go down that road?

It’s Memorial Day weekend, and the pool and Mai Tais beckon. In the meantime, digest this helpful bit of information, and remember I’ll be right back next week to continue our discussion amid that familiar territory: Relationship issues that affect our sexuality. Fun, fun, fun!!

Wait! I forgot to tell you my favorite new joke:

A grasshopper walks into a bar.
Bartender: “Hey! We’ve got a drink named after you.”
Grasshopper: “Bob?”

With Pleasure,

Dr. J


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