Party Like a Rock Star; Sex Like a Porn Star?

“Sexually, we are all competing for the same seat on the bus
And the thing that holds it together is the tightly held conceit
That we are all sexual gods“
“Northern Exposure” 1993

Let’s talk about "porn star sex.” You know: those hardy folks who spend thousands of dollars getting various implants and cosmetic surgeries so they can make a living doing something that’s both frenetic and unsafe to hard, pounding music.

But that’s not really what we mean when we talk to friends about “porn star sex,” is it? I’m guessing your own definition of “porn star sex” is probably more along the lines of: having sex with someone who looks smokin’ hot, acts like a passionate vixen/stud in heat and uses some mythical techniques that are 110% guaranteed to drive you wild. In other words: roughly .00005% of the population. Now there’s a realistic expectation!

Don’t misunderstand me: Getting off on sexual materials and experimenting with some of the techniques shown can be a wonderful erotic experience. (How else do you explain the popularity of canned whipped cream?) However, just as with all fictional depictions, this is an idealized world of unrealistic people and activities.

I’ll Take Oral Sex for $500, Alex

If you’re a guy, what “porn star sex” usually means to you is having your partner get their super freak on and giving you some deep-thrusting oral stimulation, because, hey, that’s what you’re supposed to want, right? After all, many men's magazines seem to be all about teaching men the little “tricks of the trade” promised to get their partners to behave more like porn stars. In fact, that whole notion brings up a large, pulsating question: if “porn star sex” is so much fun, how come you have to trick someone into doing it? Could it be because the only one who’s really having any fun in this equation is you?

The fact is, you might actually feel that if you’re not getting this kind of sex, then you’re not a “real man.” Oh boy, here we go again: if that were true, “real men” aren’t really about sharing mutual pleasure—those kinds of “real men” are merely about getting someone to “service” them.

This makes me wonder about how many women—particularly younger women—feel pressured by their partner/s into doing things they’re not comfortable with just because it looks kind of “cool” on screen.

And don’t think this isn’t rough for some of the guys too. That’s right, a lot of the same guys who are pressuring their partners into doing “porn star sex” might themselves be getting peer pressure from their so-called “friends” who tell them that this is exactly the kind of thing that “real men” do with their partner/s. Feel like a trap much?

Whatever Happened to Fabio Anyway?

OK, this whole concept that we should all be having “porn star sex” is simply the flip side of romance novels that sell the idea that the only good sex is an overly romanticized situation in which a woman lets herself be overwhelmed by some idealized super macho stud who picks her up, flings her helpless yielding body over his broad shoulder and whisks her off to his castle where awaits the promise of wonderfuly erotic things happening to her supple body. And, by the way, the super macho stud just happens to be fabulously wealthy too.

So we’re back to those same old tired gender roles: the ones where women can only allow themselves to be sexual if it’s in the context of romantic sexual abandon, and men can only be turned on by someone who looks/dresses/acts and gets down to business like a porn star.

Tune in next week when we find out where this topic takes us. Who knows, you may be entering into a realm where you’ll learn something about self-image, respect for yourself and others, personal comfort levels, and most importantly, being able to tell a partner “no” when it doesn't feel right.

That signpost up ahead…

With Pleasure,
Dr. J