Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Friday, January 25, 2008

What’s Hot Is Hot; What’s Not Is Not

“Think left and think right and think low and think high.
Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!”

Theodor Geisel (Dr. Seuss)

Let’s get one thing straight: Whatever turns you on, turns you on—it all contributes to what I like to think of as your individual “erotic personality,” if you will. You can’t change your fundamental orientation; but by being creative, you can add to it by trying out new activities and new fantasies—you get the picture. Give it a try and see what develops!

Last week we talked about the concept of porn star sex and discussed some of the drawbacks encountered when you buy into that particular model of perfection. However, the Maestro reminds me that for some people, porn star sex is the only thing that turns them on. And we didn’t mean to leave those frisky folks out in the cold, now, did we? Of course not. What we were discussing is simply not getting caught up in the mindset that there’s only one way to have sex, i.e., where everyone has perfect bodies and does amazingly acrobatic things to each other.

Pressure Cookers Are for Betty Crocker

We also talked about not feeling pressured into doing things that you’re uncomfortable with. This is one of those areas where your self-esteem can suffer a blow (so to speak). What if your partner is only turned on by you taking him so deep in your mouth that you end up gagging and in tears? Hey, that’s the way the porn stars do it, right? Or what if your partner is only turned on by you kneeling down and licking her high heels? Again, a scenario common in commercial erotica.

Now, these scenarios can be either positive or negative, depending on how you feel about them and whether they turn you on as well as your partner—or whether you can get turned on and enjoy yourself merely because your partner is so aroused by doing them.

In short, the act doesn’t matter; what’s important is whether it’s a positive experience for both of you—or at the very least, something which you feel neutral about and which doesn’t make you want to run screaming from the room.

Rutabaga! Rutabaga!

Speaking of running screaming from the room: When you’re playing out any sort of fantasy, don’t forget to agree on safe words! What’s a safe word? A word that’s distinctly non-sexual, that either partner can say during a fantasy scene that means “stop!” Since saying “stop!” might be part of the fantasy, it’s important to choose something you’d never say during sex. Like “Federal deficit!” (At least I think most of us probably wouldn’t utter that in the throes of passion.) Saying this tells your partner you really do want to stop. Right now.

So where does this lead us? Into the realm of self-knowledge (knowing your erotic likes and dislikes) and feeling positive about your relationship. In other words, knowing that you can say “no” when it doesn’t feel right for you—and “yes” when it does. And having a partner with whom you can discuss it and figure out how both of you can have fun and feel good about what you’re doing.

It might go something like this:

The candles are lit, the champagne is open, you’re wearing something sexy, you’re both turned on. And then your partner throws your hands behind your back and says: “I want to rape you—and I want to make it hurt. Now.”

This can either be excruciatingly sexy, or damn frightening, depending, again, on your erotic personality.

If it turns you on, agree on a safe word and go nuts.

Extra Mayo, Hold the Mustard

But if it doesn’t, you might tell your partner gently that while you understand it’s definitely a turn-on for him/her, you don’t want to go there. Maybe there’s a less intense but equally erotic scenario you’d be willing to try? You never know until you ask. Remember that each of you is responsible for your own pleasure, and you won’t get anything unless you’re willing to explore, communicate and at least stick your toes into the shallow end of the pool.

Oh, the hotness of it all!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J


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