Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Friday, October 26, 2007

What Do Women Really Want?

“Maybe I’m just like my mother; she’s never satisfied”
Prince, “When Doves Cry”

Do women know what they really want? As a card-carrying woman myself, I often wonder – do we even realize what questions we should be asking ourselves? We waste so much time with questions like: “If I lose 10 pounds, will I be sexier?” “Am I having the ‘right’ kind of orgasm?” and “What’s up with chocolate?” Why do so many of us feel that we’re not being fulfilled sexually, but can’t seem to buy a clue when it comes to actually finding out what it is that will make us happy?

Is It Just Me?

If today’s post sounds more like I’m asking questions than giving answers, well then, so be it. Today I feel like I haven’t got any answers; just a bazillion more questions. And that brings me to the realization that as women, we’ve all grown up with essentially the same conditioning.

Tell me if this scenario sounds familiar:

You’ve longed for a partner who’s loving, considerate, creative, passionate, skilled, attractive and intelligent. Finally, miracle of miracles, you actually manage to find this rarest of gems. So what happens after the initial “let’s have sex 24 hours a day” hysteria wears off? You wake up one morning with that little voice in your head that says: “My partner is great, but I’m discovering little things that bug me, and they’re really starting to turn me off.” Things like:

* He forgets to put down the toilet seat
* She sometimes forgets to brush her teeth
* He tells the same bad joke over and over—and did I mention over?

* She can't let go of the fact that my first lover was a model

Men Are from Playboy, Women Are from Good Housekeeping?

When guys get sex regularly, most are in Nirvana (or at least poolside at the Playboy mansion). Chalk that up primarily to cultural conditioning. However, when we women get sex regularly, many of us end up finding fault with our lover’s minor quirks, and we then allow those tiny irritants to get in the way of our own desire.

WTF? Why do we do this to ourselves!!!??? Seriously! Why can’t we just let things alone and allow ourselves to relax into a warm fuzzy sense of happiness and contentment?

And Then What Happens, Dr. J?

I’ve got no idea. Well, actually, I do have some ideas.

Something occasionally/sometimes/always short-circuits our ability to enjoy sex in the long-term without succumbing to the temptation to find fault with:

a) our partner
b) our situation
c) all of the above

Why Is That?

Perhaps some of us do this because we grew up with mothers who nit-picked EVERYTHING, in the hope they’d turn us into perfect little “ladies.”

It could be that we secretly long to be that mother’s little helper we were trying to be as children—even when nothing we did then was EVER good enough—and despite that failure, we STILL kept trying anyway.

Is it possible that we use a partner’s little foibles as an excuse to pull away because we’re still harboring some deep-rooted distrust of ourselves as sexual beings?


Your thoughts? The sharing light is on. Take a deep cleansing breath, put your feet shoulder-width apart, find your center and feel free to drop me an email.

Next week: Further explorations/possible solutions?

With Pleasure (still trying, anyway)

Dr. J


  • At 9:31 PM, Anonymous Chuck McKay said…

    I doubt seriously that the enjoyment of sex by men is social conditioning. I suspect that in every human culture, men enjoy sex.

  • At 6:46 PM, Blogger Dr J said…

    Hi Chuck. Thanks for your comment. And you're right: men do enjoy sex in just about every culture (excluding those few in which men are prevented from being sexual). My point wasn't that men enjoy SEX because of social conditioning, but that for many, they're conditioned to think of sex as the ultimate in happiness; hence my reference to "Nirvana." Conversely, many women grow up with the message that love is the ultimate reward. Keep writing; love to hear from yhou! Dr. J


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