Women and Men: What Can We Learn from Each Other?

“The world is not divided into sheep and goats.
The living world exists on a continuum.”
Alfred Kinsey

Welcome New Readers!

You may find this blog a bit different from others because my intention is to be both entertaining and educational. Each new post is based on information presented in the previous one; so to get the maximum benefit, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from the August archive and read forward from there. However, I recognize that some of you don't have the time to take the whole round-trip, so if you have a particular interest (for instance, sexual communication), you can search the archives for posts in that area and proceed from there.

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First, let me say that I’m not at all comfortable discussing we humans as two arbitrary genders. There are many of us who don’t identify as either female or male, but merely as “me, myself.” For many, the concept of gender is fluid. However, it would be myopic to ignore that we do live in a binary culture that divides us into “male and female” categories and as a result we’re constantly subjected to both blatantly obvious and subtly subliminal cultural messages from the moment we’re born (Don’t think it starts that early? What about pink is for girls, and blue is for boys?).

OK, so if you grew up as a “boy” (snips and snails and puppy dog tails) the unspoken message was: boys don’t cry, boys are strong, etc. And if you grew up as a “girl” (sugar and spice and everything yada-yada-yada) the unwritten drill was: girls don’t brag, girls don’t hurt other people’s feelings (ESPECIALLY boys’), and girls ALWAYS put others ahead of themselves.

But how do these socializations play out within the confines of sexual relationships—whether the relationship in question matches up as woman-man, woman-woman or man-man? In short, what can we LEARN from each other, and do we think it’s important enough to even ATTEMPT to learn from each other? (Yuh-huh!) Ultimately, would it enhance our relationships if we let go of some of our cultural and gender-inspired constrictions—in other words, should we shed our “skin” like a snake, casting off our old ways to emerge newly unfettered and for perhaps the first time in our lives, experience what it is to just become “ourselves”? (Now there’s a challenge!)

I got a little carried away with the questions there. Was I being a little too philosophical—dare I say sexosophical? Am I channeling Carrie on “Sex in the City”? Oops. There I go with yet another question.

The reason I’m posing these questions is because I’ve talked with countless people, in my practice AND out in the world, who have boxed themselves in as a response to all these cultural and gender-inspired constrictions and are so out of touch with their authentic selves, they’re unsure of what it is they really like or want sexually. If I had a dollar for every time someone exclaimed: “I couldn’t do THAT!” I’d be one very rich Dr. J.

The point is, people genuinely think they have to behave in a certain way because of all the baggage they’ve accrued in unwritten (and unspoken) rules. Do people really feel this way? Yes, people really do. And they also worry that if they deviate from the “rules,” the Gender Fairy will come down, and with great vengeance and furious anger, conk them on the head before writing them a ticket for 50 sexual demerits (and nobody wants sexual demerits—gasp!).

Sometimes in my classes, students will debate who is more disadvantaged by these constrictions: women or men. PULEEZE! They constrict us all. In various ways, to be sure—some more subtle and therefore more insidious than others.

Which brings me back to our central question: CAN we learn anything of value from each other?

Obviously, I have some thoughts about this.

Women: Ever notice how comfortable many men are in their bodies? They don’t shy away from being on top merely because they’re worried their stomachs will sag.

And what about initiating sex—even once in awhile? Most men take responsibility for their own pleasure. Think there’s a lesson there?

Men: Ever try receiving, without trying to direct the action or keep it moving along?

And how about just touching and being touched for the sheer pleasure of it, with no goal other than that?

I’m sharing these examples to prime the pump (so to speak). I know you all have questions you’d like to ask. Now is your opportunity to start a dialogue in a safe, anonymous space. So have at it: Let’s hear your questions and comments, and get this thing rolling. Here’s one for starters: If I always let my partner make the first move, how will I even KNOW when I want sex?

Coming attractions: Your Conditions for Good Sex.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J