Things We Do Sexually with Interesting (and Uninteresting) People

“The most delightful pleasures cloy without variety” – Publilius Syrus (1st Century BCE)

Many people equate “sex” with “sexual intercourse.” I don’t use that term because it’s yet another euphemism. “Intercourse” is the exchange of ideas. Let’s use the term “p-v” for penis-vulva or vulva-penis sex. Have you noticed this form of sex is always referred to as “insertion of the penis”? How come we never reference “vagina around the penis”? Our language erroneously assumes and therefore perpetuates the concept of women as sexually passive.

We’ll cover p-v next week, but there’s lots more to sex, whether your partner is of the opposite or same sex. In long-term relationships, variety is definitely the spice of life! This week, let’s talk about pleasuring a partner—woman or man—and the Big Three of Stimulation: oral, manual and anal. All of these can be pleasurable, with or without an orgasmic focus. In a future post, we’ll discuss more exotic erotic acts.

Oral Sex

85-90% of us have tried oral sex. New studies indicate it’s become even more popular as teens experiment with sex acts that reduce the risk of pregnancy or disease. For women, this is a particularly intense stimulation; indeed, for many, it is the easiest way for them to orgasm with a partner. Some issues to consider are whether you want to share the feeling simultaneously (69) or focus on your own orgasm while your partner stimulates you orally. BTW: Have you heard about “68”? That means you go down on me, and I’ll owe you one…

During oral sex, additional stimulation can be applied to other erotic parts of your partner’s body, such as their nipples, perineum, anus—or wherever they desire. Nipples in both sexes are sensitive and have great erotic potential; however, some men shut down these feelings because they equate nipple stimulation with femininity, thereby depriving themselves of untold pleasure. Some women love vaginal insertion combined with oral stimulation, which may also stimulate the G Spot, and some men may enjoy a gentle licking of the scrotum (no teeth please!) or perineum (gently lift the testicles to access this area).

Oral Sex Etiquette:

For partners of men: Most of us don’t want to end up crying during oral sex! If you have a well-developed gag reflex, you’ll want to control the depth of a penis in your mouth. This is easy—and fun! By holding the shaft, you can not only provide your partner with extra stimulation, but also control how deep he goes. Put your mouth around the head of the penis or a little further if you like, and move your hands up and down the shaft. I guarantee your partner will enjoy it!

Swallowing: First, let’s dispense with some myths. No, swallowing semen won’t make you fat (the amount of calories per ejaculation is negligible). And it doesn’t have any magical qualities that will clear up your skin if you rub it on your face (teenage boys like to claim this). Although there’s no risk of pregnancy during oral exposure to semen, it may contain pathogens that carry diseases, etc. We’ll discuss risk reduction in a future post.
Two things to negotiate with your male partner: 1) whether you’re OK with him coming in your mouth; and 2) whether you wish to swallow it. If you don’t want your partner to come in your mouth, be sure to tell him before you begin. If you’re OK with that, but don’t want to swallow, simply turn your head while you delicately and discreetly spit into a tissue (which you have placed conveniently nearby). Don’t be rude, loudly spit and say “eww, yuck!” This is considered insulting.

For partners of women: jaw fatigue! Some women’s partners have told me (in their own words) that their partner takes forever to come and their jaw becomes locked, numb, etc. If your partner needs lots of stimulation for orgasm, try stimulating some of the erotic areas noted above. Most importantly, find out other things that turn her on (ask her!) and combine them with oral sex. Then be prepared to be adored.

Manual Stimulation

Approximately 90% of us have tried some form of manual stimulation. In addition to oral stimulation, this is statistically the most effective way for many women to orgasm. You can use your hands to tease your partner and help your partner get to their Plateau Phase. Make sure to use lots of lubrication; no one wants to feel like their skin is being rubbed raw! Check out your partner’s preference: soft, hard, fast, slow, etc. And remember that people generally prefer different kinds of stimulation during various phases of the sexual response cycle. What’s effective early on may need to be intensified further along to provide enough stimulation for orgasm. How can you find out what s/he likes and when? Easy! Talk to your partner or show what you like by putting your hand on his/hers and demonstrating how you like to be touched. Beware: don’t expect your partner to magically know what feels best for you, or you could be setting yourself up for future anger and resentment.

Anal Stimulation

40-50% of us have tried some form of anal stimulation. The anal sphincter is very tight; if it wasn’t, all of us would be walking around very embarrassed! In order to relax the anus, use lots and lots of lubrication as well as gentle stimulation with tongue, fingers, toys, etc. Don’t try to stick anything in there without adequate attention and relaxation first! For more information, I highly recommend “Ánal Pleasure and Health” by sexologist Jack Morin, Ph.D.

Total Body Stimulation

Don’t forget that all parts of our bodies can be erotically aroused, including ears, mouth, neck, nipples and perineum. Get creative! Prolonged touching can also lead to greater intimacy between partners because it encourages enhanced communication and trust. Don’t be afraid to step out of your old established patterns and try new things. You’ll be happier, smarter and a better dancer.

Next week: The Ins and Outs of P-V

As always, the doctor is in for your comments and questions.

With Pleasure,
Dr. J