Am I Normal?

"I've always felt that sexuality is a really slippery thing. In this day and age, it tends to get categorized and labeled, and I think labels are for food. Canned food."
Michael Stipe, R.E.M.

Are you a human being?
Are you interested in sex?
Are you uninterested in sex?
Do you want sex daily? Weekly? Monthly?
Never want sex?
Have you ever fantasized about having a threesome?
Have you ever fantasized about a hippopotamus in a tutu?

Congratulations! You’re normal!

In fact, everyone is normal, and whatever is usual for you is “normal” for you. However, because we all grow up in an atmosphere of sexual myths, in a society uncomfortable about sex, most of us are trying to find that elusive “normality” so we can fit in with what we think everyone else is doing. Most of us think we know what our friends are doing, and we want to be just like them so they won’t think we’re weird. Some turn to those online quizzes that say they’ll help determine “your healthy sexual self” or something similar. And of course all they’re doing is steering you in a direction that they think is OK (or trying to sell you something).

Sex researchers assume that, in private, everybody does everything. However, everyone publicly adheres to some perceived standard of “normality.” For instance, some of us are happy being sexual with ourselves or a partner on a weekly basis, some daily and some never—as well as everything in between. If we were to quantify everyone’s sexual behavior, we’d find an average frequency. But does being statistically average guarantee that you're: a) OK and b) happy? Of course not. In fact, some of us just hate being thought of as “average.”

It’s more important to know what you want and what you like and then examine whether they work for you. Naturally, I’m speaking of consensual activities and not nonconsensual violence, which is not sex.

Are you happy with what you’re doing, or would you like to explore some new activities or thoughts? What’s holding you back? Usually, it’s the fear that your desires don’t mirror those of your friends.

The great sexologist Alfred Kinsey said: “Everyone is not like you and your neighbor.” And I would add: Stop trying to be like your neighbor, and embrace being yourself.

The Doctor is in for questions and comments. Just click on the comment button below. And remember, you can post anonymously or create a cool new web name for yourself.

Next week: How Our Bodies Respond Sexually, Or What’s All that Stuff Down There and What Does It Do?

With Pleasure,
Dr. J