"Thinking off": Sexual Fantasies

“I like nonsense -- it wakes up the brain cells. Fantasy is a necessary ingredient in living. It's a way of looking at life through the wrong end of a telescope... and that enables you to laugh at all of life's realities.” Dr. Seuss

Your brain is your most important erotic zone because it controls everything. Most of us have discovered that no matter how hard we try, if our head isn’t into it, our body won’t respond. The brain is so powerful that some women report they can “think off” to an orgasm without any touch.

For many people, sexual fantasies play an important role in sexual motivation and help define our erotic personality. A sexual fantasy provides you with a “map of desire” that gives your imagination a starting point.

Sexual fantasies also provide an important escape valve, allowing us to keep our public behavior within acceptable social limits, while allowing us to express our desires and psychologically engage in behaviors we may not actually want to do. They also provide us a chance to explore a different side of ourselves. Maybe you're a powerful person with many responsibilities. You might enjoy letting go of all that power in a fantasy and exploring the more passive or submissive side of yourself. Conversely, you might be a very quiet type; but in your fantasies, you can explore being the strong superhero, rescuing (and then ravishing) some damsel in distress!

Recognizing the power of fantasy, some groups have attempted to control our thoughts by teaching us that just thinking about something is the same as doing it. This is not just erroneous, but can suppress creativity and create discomfort with our sexual thoughts.

In fact, there are two kinds of sexual fantasies: rehearsal fantasies, in which we “audition” a new sexual behavior, person or situation; and impossible fantasies, those which are either physically impossible (e.g., someone with two penises) or emotionally impossible (something you definitely would never want to actually do). Impossible fantasies can create discomfort, because sometimes we’re not sure what they represent. To fantasize something doesn’t necessarily mean you want to actually do it. You might want to keep some fantasies special and private, while others you might want to share with a partner.

Some people don't even recognize their idle musings as fantasies. In fact, fantasies range from that brief thought about someone you see on a bus, to those long, involved scenes complete with dialogue and costumes. And anything in between.

Generally, the hottest fantasies are the ones that are most forbidden. For instance, a common heterosexual fantasy is experimenting with someone of the same sex. We might never want to actually try this, but in fantasy we can give ourselves permission to step outside the boundaries of our everyday lives and explore.

Next week, we’ll be exploring self-pleasuring, which, dare I say it, goes “hand-in-hand” with fantasy.

As always, the doctor is in for your questions and comments.

With Pleasure,

Dr. J