Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Thursday, January 25, 2007

Sexual Communication Part 3: The Final Frontier (for now)

Sex is perfectly natural, but not always naturally perfect”

Welcome New Readers!

You may find this blog a bit different from others because my intention is to be both entertaining and educational. Each new post is based on information presented in the previous one; so to get the maximum benefit, I recommend you begin with the introductory post from the August archive and read forward from there.

For the last two weeks, we’ve been examining in depth, various aspects of sexual communication—heaven for a chatterbox like me. Now we’re in the home stretch, ready to wrap this up and put it to bed. Here are some suggestions and examples that will help ensure you get more of what you want out of sex.

Asking for What You Want

Take responsibility for your own pleasure. Your partner isn’t a mind reader; tell her/him what turns you on! “I’ve discovered I really enjoy oral sex more than any other activity.”

Be specific. “I’d like you to kiss me slower and deeper.”

State things in a positive way. “I like it when you touch me firmly, like this.” NOT: “That’s too light; I don’t like it.” Talk about a buzzkill; and, as the saying goes, you catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.

Remember that no one’s feelings are wrong. This may be a hard concept to grasp; however, it’s obvious that you and your partner won’t always feel the same way about everything (and how boring would that be?).

Avoid “why” questions. Your partner will feel attacked, and then become defensive. Often, we don’t exactly know why we do certain things. “Why” is just another way of saying “justify yourself!” Sometimes we think if we can just understand why, it will be easier to accept. Admittedly, this is occasionally true. However, most of the time, that’s usually just a rationalization. “Why don’t you kiss me more often?” WHY is less important than how you two can cooperatively find a solution.

Saying No

Express appreciation, if appropriate. For example, if someone asks you out, you might say, “I’m flattered, but no thanks.”

Say no clearly. Don’t string someone along; it’s cruel; and if the roles were reversed you wouldn’t like to be treated that way. If someone asks: “Would you like to see a movie with me tonight?” Don’t make up a lame excuse, like: “I have to wash my hair tonight.” And then if they ask: “Well, how about tomorrow?” Don’t say: “I have to wash my dog’s hair tomorrow,” and so on.

Offer an alternative, if possible. “I’m really not ready to go on a date, but I’d love to meet for coffee after class sometime.”

Everybody Wins

Assertive communication involves treating others with respect as well as with a positive regard. If you learn how to convey your feelings assertively rather than aggressively, you’re much more likely to attain a positive outcome without hurting the other person.


You’ve tried everything, even staying up all night talking, and there’s still no resolution.

Take a time out to re-evaluate. You’ve got lots of time, so don’t put pressure on yourself to solve every issue immediately. Try again in a week or a month. Sometimes, after you think things over for awhile, you’re able to come up with fresh ideas and creative solutions.

Negotiate a compromise. Just remember that if one person in the relationship is consistently more willing to compromise, it could lead to future resentment.

Of course, if nothing else works, it may be time to consult an expert—a clinical sexologist trained to help people communicate and/or resolve conflicts.

One Final Note:

The principles of effective communication we’ve been examining together these past three weeks are also appropriate for non-sexual situations. In fact, once you learn how to express yourself sexually, you’ll be amazed at how much easier it is to talk about anything with just about anyone. (“Hi Mom. Remember when you threw my pet lizard down the toilet?”)

But wait, there’s more! Don’t forget the coming attractions: differing sexual needs and other issues that may emerge in sexual relationships, such as jealousy (oooooooh!).

This week’s topic may have touched a nerve for some of you, and I want you to know that I welcome your comments and questions. As always, the doctor is in, so feel free to ask away!

With Pleasure,

Dr. J


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