Dr J's Sex Facts

Fun sex facts and accurate information from a clinical sexologist for a hotter and more fulfilling sex life.

Friday, October 27, 2006

The Ins and Outs of P-V Sex

"Fifty percent of the women in this country are not having orgasms. If that were true of the male population, it would be declared a national emergency.” -- Margo St. James

As I wrote in my last post, many people equate “sex” with “sexual intercourse.” I don’t use the latter term because it’s yet another euphemism; intercourse means “an exchange of ideas.” Let’s use the term “p-v sex” for penis-vagina or vagina-penis sex.

The big issue in p-v sex: Most men worry about having an orgasm too quickly, while most women either worry about having one too slowly or not having one at all. As we’ve already discussed, many men learn a rapid orgasm pattern during early self-pleasuring, while many women don’t learn to orgasm at all. How’s that for a set-up? It’s amazing that women and men are ever in synch, isn’t it?

You know the scenario: He slowly lowers himself onto her; she gazes up at him, her eyes dilating in anticipation of his big…

Stop! Can we get real here? That’s the romanticized ideal sold to us by the media; and, unfortunately, it’s where most of us get our ideas about sex: from videos, books, magazines, etc. The problem with buying into these idealized images is that when we don’t live up to them, when they’re not true for us, we feel like there’s something wrong with us.

The irony is that, biologically, p-v sex is purely reproductive, designed to pleasure the penis, resulting in ejaculation of semen into the vagina so pregnancy can occur, thus ensuring the survival of our species (blah, blah, blah). Right about now, you women are asking, “Well, where does that leave me?” Believe me, I’m not trying to harsh your mellow here; merely put things in perspective.

Performance: The Enemy of Pleasure and Fun

Many men and women equate “good” sex with having an orgasm during p-v sex, thus putting all kinds of performance pressure on ourselves. Many men also learn that sex is all about their “performance.” In fact, many sexual terms reflect this. For example, men speak of “giving” a woman an orgasm (does that come gift-wrapped?), as though they were completely responsible for (or even capable of) “giving” a woman the aforementioned Big O. Indeed, many women believe that once they’re in love, their partner will somehow know exactly what kind of stimulation they need for orgasm, even if the woman doesn’t already know this about herself.

Let’s take the pressure off and explore some fun things to do during p-v sex so you can enjoy yourself without all that anxiety about performance.

Some Day My Prince Will Come (And So Will I)

Even though p-v sex is a reproductive act, that’s not usually why we’re doing it. Of course, most men find it extremely pleasurable. However, while many women enjoy it, for at least 40-50% of them, it usually doesn’t result in orgasm. Why? Because most p-v sex doesn’t provide the steady pressure and reliable stimulation women need for orgasm. During p-v sex, most men use an “in-out” motion that feels great for them, instead of the circular grinding motion that will stimulate the clitoris. How about trading off once in awhile? Him first; then her—or vice-versa.

Once a woman puts pressure on herself to orgasm, it can become a duty rather than a pleasure. Of course, this is also true for men. Relax; don’t be so orgasm-focused, or sex can become downright predictable, especially in long-term relationships. However, if you and your partner are flexible and experimental, you’ll both have smiles on your faces as the years go by.

Part-Time and Full-Time Positions Available

Many of us enjoy being touched on various parts of our bodies during p-v sex, such as on our nipples, perineum, anus, etc.. If this is something you’d like to explore, don’t be afraid to tell your partner. And please don’t forget about kissing! Many people are turned on by deep, soulful kisses during p-v sex. Also remember that we like different kinds of stimulation during the different phases of the sexual response cycle.

And did I mention toys? There are so many wonderful little gadgets available now for your additional stimulation and mutual enjoyment. Some excellent resources are
http://www.goodvibes.com/ and http://www.libida.com/.

Some positions which can maximize clitoral stimulation are:

· Woman on top, where she can control both the angle and depth
· Woman sitting on top, where either she or her partner can stimulate her clitoris
· “Scissors”: Side-by-side facing each other, with one of his legs between hers
· Rear entry (man behind), where he can also manually stimulate her clitoris, or she can stimulate herself. This is a great position during pregnancy.

For maximum clitoral stimulation, the man should NOT go in and out, but rather should use a grinding motion or, if possible, just stay still, pressing firmly inside her while letting the woman do the moving around him.

Positions for deeper penetration/engulfment:
· Rear entry
· Man on top with woman’s legs on man’s shoulders

Positions for less penetration/engulfment:
· Scissors
· Woman on top

An important note about painful p-v sex: Once a woman is in excitement phase, the cervix rises up and out of the way. If a woman isn't sufficiently aroused, the cervix may get bumped by the penis, which can cause cramping/pain. Also, if a woman isn't aroused, she won't lubricate, and the friction may actually create minute scratches in the vagina which is not only painful, but may also the increase the risk of infection. In fact, many women who report frequent vaginal irritations/infections are having p-v sex when they’re not sufficiently aroused. Lubrication is important for everyone, since lack of lubrication can not only irritate the vagina, but also the penis.

A Few Words about Hair

Hair can be sensual, sexy and molded into interesting shapes. Of course we don’t need to shave off our hair for sex. However, hair can also get caught in your teeth. And we’re not just talking pubic hair here! Nipple hairs (for both men and women) can also be a distraction. Another issue is pubic hair length. Short hair can produce a stabbing sensation around sensitive tissue, and longer hair can get caught in skin. Solution: Talk to your partner (but you already knew that, right?)

Next week: Stepping out of Restrictive Gender Roles and into More Pleasure and Fun

As always, the Doctor is in for your comments and questions.

With Pleasure,
Dr. J


  • At 7:04 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    I've really been enjoying your blog Dr. J, and have been learning new ways to verbalize things. Some of us should have had this education long ago. For example, what if Bill Clinton had had the savy to say: "I never had P-V Sex with that woman!"?. Hmm.....

  • At 12:16 PM, Anonymous Dr. J said…

    Absolutely! I'm sure I could have helped Bill somehow. Language is a subject we rarely think about; yet it's so critical to our attitudes and experiences. Good luck with your new verbalizing. I'd love to hear how it goes. Dr. J

  • At 5:58 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said…

    Dr J. I am not marrired or haven't dated a woman yet. But maybe you can give me some ideas. I was reading about shaving the pubic area that may caused the sensation that can scratch. What about using the sisscors and trim it a little bit. I think it would help women to shave and make it look sexier and better rather than thinking how gross it can be. I think as men: we should trim it a bit and let the women think how great we look, right? let me know. thanks dr J

  • At 1:49 PM, Blogger Dr J said…

    Hi Anonymous. I'm sorry I haven't answered sooner, but I just found this post. It must have gotten lost in the Blogosphere.

    I think you're asking me whether it's a good idea for men to trim their pubic hair? This is a preference that varies from person to person. Since you don't yet have a parter, it's really up to you. How do you feel with your pubic hair shorter? Do you like the way it feels and looks? I know some women who like their partner's pubic area to be relatively hair-free so it doesn't get in the way during P-V sex. Others don't care one way or another. And still OTHERS like it long and silky rather than short and spiky.

    Dr. J


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